Taking a Chance
by Fleur06
Summary: This is season 16 6 months after Olivia and Cassidy had broken up Can Olivia find happiness and loveand move on from Cassidy or will he be forever in her heart and she wants him back?What happens when she does find happiness is it short lived or will it last Final chapter now posted sorry i love Bensidy too much & had to put them back together depsite trying her with someone else
1. Chapter 1

_**This is taken for season 16, Olivia is trying to move on from Cassidy she is still living in the Bensidy Apartment but it is Bens-idy Brian moved out now about 5 months earlier just after they had broken up. **_

_**Can Olivia move on and find some happiness and after she decides to take a chance on trying to find love what happens to question it who is it and what happens when she thinks she might have found it again or is it who and how does she react to it all. **_

_**A/N This is a test to see if I can actually write a fanfiction of Olivia with another character I don't know how long or if I can**_

_**I can't help myself I love writing fanfictions so haven't finished the others but they are not forgotten either. **_

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Walking in to the apartment it had been 5 months since Cassidy had moved out, his stuff now gone and anything that reminded her of him put away. The photo they had hanging on the wall and photos in the frames on the bookshelf all gone, she had put them away not long after he had moved out they were a painful reminder of what she had given up the hard decision she had made to move on without him. The kitchen was slightly barer most things were hers, the bedroom now only her things in there the bed felt so empty for so long, some nights she would sleep on the couch she couldn't go there without his arms around her without him there.

The Christmas party was tonight she had made an excuse for ages that Cassidy was undercover it was easier to say that than it didn't work out, it was hard to say that she broke up with him, despite it all she knew Amaro would be supportive, he didn't really like him at first but over time they found out she broke it up she broke his heard he said I love you and she loved him so much but she wanted the family and to grow old with him and it hurt that he couldn't imagine that when she could.

Looking in the mirror she looked as good as she was going to, her hair down to her shoulders an slightly wavy a blue dress going to just below her knees and high heels the one time she gets to wear them. The good thing that no one in their squad was bringing partners the table would be to themselves.

Walking along her thoughts going back to 2 Christmas's ago she worked Christmas EVE helping Fin and Amaro well Fin, she had a flight to catch to the Bahama's her mystery guy Brian, she said she was going away with a friend and that was what it was but he was more the weekend away was amazing, they swam slightly but spent a lot of it in the hotel room the bed getting a work out it was special one of the best she had.

Opening the door walking inside it wasn't long until she saw Amaro and Rollins grabbing a drink walking up to them looking around seeing Fin and Lt Declan Murphy arrive.

Walking inside the building it was all decked out his eyes moving around coming to rest on her, she looked fantastic her pants outlining her figure her hair falling off her face the way her face lit up when she smiled and laughed, he wished he could ask her out but he couldn't it was wrong, would she even go out with him if he did ask, that he might never know.

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Arriving with the group walking inside his eyes moving around there she was standing with her team, he hadn't seen her in 5 months, not that he didn't want to he wanted to be there for her when Lewis killed himself wanted to come over and be with her but she shut him down, typical Liv not letting anyone in the only comfort he got was knowing Amaro and Fin would probably be with her but it wasn't he same, he knew she had nightmares still if only she had opened up to him and let him in but she didn't she wanted to protect him he would never know what she went through only could guess.

There she was looking just as fantastic as before she actually looked better more at peace with herself, was it the fact that Lewis was dead, or the fact that they had broken up had she moved on was she with someone else. He still loved her, he couldn't answer her that he wanted kids or grow old if only he knew now that she would break his heart all over again the only problem was this time it was worse he was well and truly in love with her he told her too late "I love you Liv" he should of told her earlier.

He wasn't exactly thrilled to work with IAB but it was a start in getting his shield back it was better than working at the Bronx but it was part of the start of their problems he wasn't able to talk about his work, she wouldn't open up.

Could he walk past her without saying hello damn she looked gorgeous he wanted to hold her again seeing the smile on her face he wanted to kiss her, walking over to the bar throwing back the bottle of beer he should of remembered she would have been here.

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Looking around the room seeing Cassidy enter Nick's eyes turn to Olivia she hadn't seen him enter his eyes moving back to her he was protective of her he saw the way Cassidy just stood there staring at her the look in his eyes. It was a while before Olivia even opened up to him telling him they had broken up a few weeks after they had, after Lewis when Cassidy wasn't there for her, he didn't like him when they first met and was polite to him knowing that he and Liv were a couple and moved in together, he even started to like him seeing the way he treated Olivia and the way Olivia and him were together the dinner party at their place his arm around her the proud look on his face, Munch's retirement party the looks they gave each other, he was there for his partner when she needed someone the most he took care of her and for that he had started to like him.

Excusing himself away from his team walking over to Cassidy he was going to protect her nodding at him, "Cassidy please don't go up to Liv, leave her be"  
Looking at Nick standing in front of him he tolerated him for Oliviás sake he was her partner and he knew he cared for her that much was obvious when Lewis kidnapped her "I think that is between me and Liv"

His eyes glaring at Cassidy "She is now happy Cassidy let her enjoy the night she's been through so much lately"

Glancing at Olivia she had told Nick, of course she would even as closed person he probably knew more than he did about what Lewis did to her "you're her guardian angel now something going on between the two of you?"

Shaking his head he sometimes seriously wondered what Olivia saw in him was he a good root was that the only reason "don't be a dickhead, I'm just looking out for her"

His eyes moving over to Liv he hated asking him but he needed to know and he wouldn't get an answer from her "how is she going?"

He could see the pain in his eyes "she is doing well as well as Liv does you know her Cassidy she is getting there, its been rough on her but she's coming through it, that is why I am asking please don't upset her"

Looking at Nick in disbelief "you think I'd upset Liv? I know more than anyone what that guy put her through, the nightmares she had the toll it took on her I just want to know she is ok"

Hearing the anguish in his voice "I know you wouldn't mean to just let her be Cassidy let her enjoy tonight"

Starting to walk away from Nick "I'm not leaving Liv is stronger than you give her credit for Nick she'd never go for you if that is what you're after"

Wanting to thump Cassidy to the ground "she went out with you Cassidy maybe her taste has improved now"

A smile on his face he remembered the conversation he had with Olivia once asking if something was going on between her and nick _"don't be an ass" was her reply_ "she has taste Amaro you never did like the fact that Liv was going out with me, we moved in together"

Walking close to Cassidy wanting to wipe the smug look off his face "I knew she would wake up to you eventually and when she did, she sent you packing she is better off without you"

Shaking his head walking away from Nick unable to help himself "you think she'd be better off with you, you'd never get her into bed Amaro a guy can keep hoping especially since she is so good incredible even"

Turning around to face Cassidy his anger at this guy boiling over lifting up his fist he didn't care who was around, seeing Cassidy bring up his arm "you really want to do this here, for Olivia to see you doing this, this is what is going to upset her"

Trying to control his anger and breathing damn Cassidy "outside then"

Shaking his head at Nick he wasn't worth his time or effort "you're a piece of shit Amaro not worth my time, you'll never get Liv"

Hearing a voice "stop it, break it up, what on earth is happening here"

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Trying to listen to what Rollins and Fin were saying her mind wandering trying to stop her eyes moving around the room, seeing Amaro move away from them.

Seeing Fin looking at her "you ok Liv"

Nodding at Fin she was fine, at an event like his full of other police officers she was vulnerable everyone knew what had happened to her even though it was a few months ago sometimes it still felt like yesterday "I'm fine"

He should of realized she would say that "we don't have to stay long"

Shaking her head "I'm fine Fin" what was she to say that she was looking around as she wondered if Cassidy was going to be here, that part of her wanted to see how he was that even though she pushed him away and broke up with him.

Seeing Fin and Rollins look at her as Rollins voice spoke "he's over there Liv" was she that obvious

Seeing Rollins look at Fin she turns around her eyes open wider hearing Fin's voice "it ok Liv I'll go over"

Shaking her head what was Amaro doing, shit what was Cassidy doing rubbing her face what was with the two of them she thought they had sorted out their differences now this

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Watching Olivia walk away with Fin Lt Murphy turns to Rollins hearing her voice "That's Olivia's ex, Detective Brian Cassidy"

nodding at Amanda he had heard pieces about the two of them "the guy she moved in with"

Nodding at Murphy "that's him amongst other things, he and Amaro never hit it off, jealousy or something he thought Cassidy was dirty and corrupt whilst he was UC then he found out he was screwing Liv well they were going out, but he got Olivia through the darkest times with Lewis"

He wanted to know more he wasn't into the gossip but he wanted to know more about Olivia and Cassidy "they are broken up then?"

Nodding at Murphy her eyes on the two of them as Fin walks over to them "yeah she hasn't said much but he wasn't there when she went through all that crap with Lewis shooting himself, he didn't come over or stay with her and she is now living there by herself so I'm pretty sure they are over"

His eyes moving back to Olivia walking over to both of them watching the scene did she have feelings for him still, was she over Brian Cassidy.

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Following Fin watching as he tries to pull them apart her voice loud "stop it, break it up, what on earth is happening here"

Turning around hearing that voice the voice of the woman he still loved "Liv, you look great how are you?"

Looking up into his hazel eyes he looked great clean shaven his hair still quite short dressed not in a suit but he still looked hot and great his shirt opened slightly at the top exposing a bit of his chest she had to remain strong her eyes remaining on him trying to block out the memories the way her hands moved around his chest, her mouth moved around his chest and stomach how she ripped off his shirt, the shirts that she used to wear of his, she thought she was over him she was the one who broke up with him, but he was the one who didn't want to grow old and have a family with her, why did he have to say "I love you" look at her, why did he have to make it so hard, feeling tears come to her eyes she had remained strong for so long but now standing in front of her "I have to go"

Turning away abruptly running out of the ballroom into the dark cold night air leaning against the pole she didn't want the tears to fall for anyone to see her so vulnerable she had gotten through Lewis and what he did to her but seeing Brian again stirred up so many feelings in her

Hearing her name called out "Liv" trying to brush the tears away she didn't want anyone to see her like this.

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_**Hope you have enjoyed the first chapter, the second chapter is already written and will be published soon. **_

_**More mysteries to come in the next chapter – who is Olivia kissing and who walked out to help her and will she give Brian another chance **_


	2. Chapter 2 - the one i loved

_**Thank you for all the reviews and favourites of the story, I had to break this chapter up it had another ending but was too long, hope you continue to enjoy it**_

_**I cannot guarantee she won't return to Cassidy who knows what the future chapters will hold as I am a Bensidy huge fan so you will wait and see if I can write her with someone else or she ends up in Cassidy's arms again and there will be Bensidy again. **_

_**Olivia I have not put her drinking problem in even though this chapter might seem like it but it is her reaction to her and for the next chapter to happen**_

_**Enjoy reading it and please review again thanks **_

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Watching as Olivia runs out of the ballroom his eyes on the group of people he had to see that she was ok, the way her body was he knew she wasn't. Looking around outside the crisp night air it didn't take long for him to see where she was he could tell that she was trying to keep herself in control but her body shook, she was crying. Standing on the spot wanting to help her but did she want it

Walking tentatively over to her tapping her shoulder "Liv"

Brushing the tears away from her eyes she didn't want anyone to see her cry especially not Lt Murphy "I'm fine, I'll be in there soon"

His hand not leaving her arm "if you need to talk Olivia I'm here"

Turning around to face Declan her eyes slightly red "there is nothing to talk about I over reacted to a situation"

Guiding her arm moving her away slightly "Cassidy that's his name"

Looking up at Lt Murphy "don't let me ruin your night, I'm fine the fresh air is all I needed"

Not believing what she is saying hearing a worried voice "Liv"

Turning to look up there he was in front of them the man who he was sure caused this "maybe it is better for you to go back inside"

Shaking his head what was it with Olivia and her team "I need to speak to Liv"

Looking up at Lt Murphy a small smile on her face "I'll be fine, I'll see you inside" turning to face Brian not saying anything her eyes upon him why did it hurt to see him when she was the one that broke up, why did she still have feelings for him she thought she had let him go

Looking into her brown eyes this was the only woman he had fallen in love with the only woman he had said I love you too "Liv, I'm sorry what happened in there"

Looking up into his caring hazel eyes "let's go back inside"

There it was not opening up again "you don't change do you Liv, not opening up it was a simple question you didn't even say anything then went running outside"

Turning to face Brian seeing slight anger there "you really want to know"

Nodding his head he did want to know, he wanted to know what was going through her gorgeous head "I thought I would be fine seeing you that I could say hello to you see how you were, but it hurt Brian I know I pushed you away I broke up with YOU but seeing you again it all came back, you said I love you and it was too late, I love you Brian and always will but it was too late it was all too late. I went through the worse imaginable thing with Lewis and I wanted you there so much"

Interrupting her "I wanted to be there for you Liv, but you said not to come over you didn't want me there you never opened up about what he did to you and the trial you weren't protecting me I saw what he put you through I was there when you had the nightmares every night, woke up screaming eyes wide open in fear, all I could do was imagine what he put you through, do you think that was worse than the images if actually knowing, I was there when they tried to find you, when Amanda said what he did to his previous victims you never opened up then and I didn't think you would again. I was so worried about you Liv and I wanted to be there so much to hold you and protect you but you pushed me away I didn't think I'd be wanted"

Blinking back the tears she knew she had put him through a lot and he was there every stop of the way every time she woke up in a sweat he was there holding her not asking questions "I'm sorry, I still wanted you to come over to hold me you got me through one of the worse times of my life and I don't know what I would of done without you but I couldn't tell you I didn't want those images in your head of what he actually did to me for you to think any less of me, it was hard enough telling my therapist and now here all these people knowing what happened to me, last time and now it all became too much. I thought I could see you here tonight and all would be fine but it wasn't it was hard seeing you here"

Reaching out to touch her arm feeling her pull away "I wanted to be there for you Liv , I would never think any less of you, you didn't ask him to do any of this to you"

Looking at Brian she went to Lewis she was armed and in a vest but she still knew what he was like and went to save Amelia her hope was that they would find her car in time and his car but she knew that she could get killed and that was a risk she was willing to take, "that's not exactly true"

His head tilted sideways confusion on his face "you didn't ask Lewis to kill anyone to kidnap you and torture you" he didn't want to think about if he raped her this time he knew last time he didn't but that was all he knew "

Shaking her head "I want to forget about Lewis about everything I'm moving on with my life and that is with you not in it"

His eyes not moving from her she was so vulnerable "I never wanted to break up with you but I'm not ready for a family I liked what we had we were out of sync but I wanted to work on that, I wanted us to grow closer but we were growing apart and I didn't know how to fix it" his hand reaching up to her face "I still think about you all the time and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you I wish I was more than anything" looking up into her eyes touching her cheek "I still love you Liv so much"

Moving away from him "don't Brian please don't" turning away from him walking away blinking back the tears walking inside the ballroom she couldn't stay she couldn't be here

Walking back inside up to the bar she couldn't leave as much as she wanted too she couldn't "a double of vodka and bottle of red wine" sculling back the vodka taking the red wine back to the table if she had to be here she would have as many drinks as possible she never wanted to remember this night his touch on her cheek again or what he just said to her, she had opened up to him but it meant nothing she wanted him so much but they didn't share the same dreams.

Sitting down at the table seeing the eyes upon her the same look she had gotten so many times before "I'm fine"

Looking at Olivia she was rattled, something happened out there that had rattled her gotten under her skin what ever Cassidy said to her had some effect on her, he could tell that she was trying to keep it all together her eyes were staring at the table leaning closer to her "if you want to go, we will understand"

Smiling at Lt Murphy "I'll be fine" and as long as she had a few glasses of red wine she would forget Cassidy, forget what he said she would enjoy the night without him forget the pain he was causing her.

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Grabbing Liv's hand Amaro takes her out on the dance floor "Nick, I don't want to dance"

Holding her around her waist "c'mon Liv just the one dance, I'm your partner you owe me a dance"

Shaking her head "just one Nick that is all, leaning her head against his shoulder it was all she could do to keep her balance"

Looking out on the dance floor his eyes narrowing seeing Liv's head resting against Nick's shoulder his arms protectively around his waist, he had seen the look's he had given Liv the way he didn't like him at all the way Olivia stood up to her partner he had her back and for that he was grateful but he still didn't like Amaro watching as they sway together.

Her eyes looking up from Nick's shoulders there he was only a few feet in front of her his arms wrapped tightly around her, she had no idea who she was some blonde that he couldn't get closer to if he tried, seeing her arms wrapped tightly around her neck her face inches from his, watching as the dance ends as he takes her hand blinking back the tears could he move on that quickly, had he found someone else what about what he just said to her.

Walking up to the bar she needed anther drink "double vodka" she already had too much but she really didn't care turning to walk away there Cassidy was in front of her the blonde bimbo next to her, her dress short above the knee, her body she was younger than her by 15 years or more maybe "excuse me" pushing past them she needed to get out of there, away from it all she needed to get away from Cassidy for once and for all to forget he even existed.

Grabbing Nick's hand wrapping her arms around his neck pulling him closer to her, her body swaying to the music feeling Nick's hand reach around her waist pulling her closer to him she wasn't thinking she didn't want to think.

Feeling a hand on her arm "Liv" looking up "go away Brian"

He didn't want to make a scene but he didn't want to hurt her either "don't do this Liv, not with Nick"

Moving between Cassidy and Olivia "go away Cassidy Liv doesn't want you here, she's woken up to what a jerk you really are"

Not wanting to get into a fight with Nick in front of her "You really think holding Olivia whilst she is drunk is going to make her have sex with you, what were you going to take advantage of her drunken state, look at her Nick you as her partner should of taken better care of her, how much has she had to drink, she can hardly stand"

Reaching out to hold her "c'mon Liv, I'm taking you home"

Pushing him away from her "I'm not going anywhere with you Bri" her voice rising "both of you just stop it" moving off the dance floor over to pick up her bag "just go Brian, I don't want you here"

Moving away from the table and the people around them looking up at him tears in her eyes it all coming out her voice soft "why didn't you want to grow old and have a family with me"

His hazel eyes looking at her he just wants to hug her put his arms around her his voice soft "I'm so sorry Liv for all of this, if I caused any of this, for what Lewis did to you I didn't want to break up with you, if I could I would of tried to work things out somehow" he couldn't answer her question

Picking up her bag her brown eyes watery hating that she was showing her vulnerability walking away she couldn't even say goodbye to anyone she just needed to get out of there.

Turning around outside seeing Brian still standing there "you don't need to take care of me anymore Brian, I'm going back to what was our apartment, I'm fine I'm moving on, getting over it all, Lewis is dead he can't hurt me again"

Looking into her brown eyes seeing the hurt there "I never meant to hurt you Liv, I'm sorry how tonight turned out maybe I should of stayed away"

Shaking her head at him "You had just as much right to be here as I did Bri" looking into his hazel eyes shrugging "I just didn't handle it well to start with I thought I'd be ok with seeing you again, I was the one that broke up with you but it was harder than I thought, the feelings I had for you are still there and haven't gone away"

Pulling her towards him kissing the top of her head "I will never stop caring for you Liv the feelings I had for you are still there too, can we catch up and talk?"

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Watching as Olivia walks out as Brian follows her hearing Fins voice "someone should go with her make sure she is alright and gets home alright"

Amanda watching Cassidy following her "I think Cassidy will do that"

Nick his voice filled with anger "Cassidy wants to do that, he wants to weasel his way back into her life and her bed, Liv is the way she is tonight because of him, because of what he did to her"

Hearing Rollin's voice "none of us know the reason they broke up or who broke it up, Liv never said, maybe they just need to work things out"

Lt Murphy Watching Olivia stumble out "how many drinks did she have tonight, does anyone know, she looks like she can hardly walk"

Amaro his eyes not moving from them "I think she had more than we realize, someone needs to make sure she is ok and gets home ok, I don't think that someone is Cassidy, he is the reason she is so upset.

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Walking outside seeing Cassidy kissing the top of Olivia's head her face looking up at him stopping in his tracks, was there more to it, was something going on between them. His eyes glued as she moves away from him a smile on her face should he call out.

Hearing her name looking up as one of her team walks towards her, turning to Cassidy "I don't know Bri, it's too much tonight, I think maybe we should I don't know"

Turning towards the voice "why aren't you still inside?"

Shrugging at Olivia what was he to say he was worried about her "time to get out of there, I'll walk you home"

Looking up at him a smile on her face she knew what he was doing "I'm ok to get home"

Nodding at her "I know, I just want to be sure"

Watching as Olivia walks off, he needed to give her space he wanted to walk her home to know she was ok. Watching her retreating back he wished he could of answered her, deep down he did want to spend the rest of his life with her but he just couldn't bring himself to say it, it took him nearly 2 years to say I love you and by then it was too late and now it is too late, he wanted her back but she broke up with him could he win her back.

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_**I actually had another ending but this chapter turned out longer than I thought so had to split it**_

_**Will she catch up with Cassidy and give him another chance or will she move on **_

_**Who is walking Olivia home and what happens when they do? **_


	3. Chapter 3 - Comfortable

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Walking along the crisp night air helping with her hangover helping clear her head feeling the hand on her when she tripped slightly, the hand that stayed on her slightly longer wasn't it than was necessary turning to smile at him she was grateful for the company, grateful that it wasn't Brian.

The silence between them wasn't awkward he could tell she didn't really want to talk whatever Cassidy had said to her had some effect on her "you okay back there, you can talk about it if you want"

Looking at him a smile on her face "or not" how was she to bring up how she felt that Brian was bringing out feelings in her that she thought had gone away, that she wanted to move on that the part of her life with Brian was over "it was just hard seeing him again you know"

Nodding at Olivia he did know what it was like he also wondered if she was truly over him "it is hard especially when you are still in love with that person or there are unresolved feelings there"

Stopping turning to look "talking about yourself or me here"

A laugh escaping his lips "just a statement you do know if there is a chance of happiness or another chance you shouldn't throw that away not if you still love that person and can work from what went wrong, sometimes we are given a second chance for a reason" looking at her in the moonlight was he talking about himself or her here, did he want another chance of love another chance with her would it be possible.

Turning into her street "sounds like you're speaking from experience here, it's not that easy I want kids a family to grow old with someone, he doesn't" there she said it out loud the one thing that caused her so much pain and hurt.

Stopping and looking at her "that's tough Olivia if you really do love Brian you need to think what is important and what is worth fighting for and what you want and if there is a chance you might both want the same thing"

Arriving at her apartment fiddling around in her bag for her key "I broke up with him he didn't break up with me. Let's not talk about it you don't want to know about my non-existent love life or my ex boyfriends"

Standing at the door how was he to tell her he did that he wanted to know how she really felt if she would get back together with him, if he was wasting his time if she was still madly in love with Cassidy, watching as she put the key in he didn't want the night to end to go back to his empty home "I'll see you at work on Monday"

Nodding at him she wanted company she didn't want to be in the apartment alone for the time being an apartment that would bring up too many memories of this disaster of a night memories that she missed Brian too much "want a nightcap, coffee?"

Nodding at Olivia "that would be great"

Looking around her apartment even though he had been here before it hadn't been for long looking around there were no photos of her and Cassidy anywhere a few picture on the wall and a bookshelf that looked at one stage if it was full and now half empty.

Walking into the kitchen the apartment was small and cosy a few things in the kitchen, watching as Olivia turns around handing him the mug of coffee

"nice apartment" walking over to the window "not a bad view from here"

Nodding walking out of the kitchen she could remember when they moved in here "Better than my old one, it looked bigger when we looked at it but as soon as our furniture came it wasn't as big but it suited us fine"

His eyes glancing at her she was speaking about the two of them her tone in her voice "you kept the apartment when you broke up"

Moving away from the window her eyes moving around all photos of them put away it was too painful having them up all Brian's stuff now gone "we lived here for about 2 weeks together but it wasn't going to work even as friends or anything, Bri wanted to go back UC, think he thought it would be easier than running into each other at IAB"

Moving over to the couch curling up her legs on it watching as he sits next to her turning to face him "what about you, no wife or girlfriend kids?"

Listening to him talk about himself working undercover and his family "you need someone who understands the work, being on call, the long hours the toll it takes on you all. Going home taking your work home with you, unable to really talk about it"

Nodding at him sipping the coffee "or you find someone that is too interested in your work wanting to know everything, I've had my fair share of failures or using you for their own gain"

Looking up at Olivia her brown eyes intent on his she looked gorgeous she had gone to change into something more casual her "at least with you and Cassidy he was someone who understood your job the demands of what you went through, wasn't he in SVU for a while"

Nodding leaning back on the chair this was nice and felt comfortable "Yeah when I first arrived" she remembered 12 years ago when they had that moment the drunken one night stand that ended up in a couple more nights she didn't handle it well and he felt the pressure of the cases "he left after a brutal case but working in IAB was hard he couldn't discuss his cases or talk much about work it was great he got his shield back but it was hard on a new relationship in that we had only just moved in together a couple of months earlier"

Looking up into his eyes a smile on her face this was more enjoyable than the whole evening she was even forgetting about running into Cassidy.

Her mug empty "want another cup?"

He so wanted to say yes to stay longer but the more he was with her the more he wanted her, her head tilted to the side the little moves she unintentionally made, moving her hair back from her face her eyes looking at him intently, it was too dangerous to stay here with her

Seeing him look at her "what"

Shaking his head "I better head home, let you get some sleep"

Getting up off the lounge "thank you for walking me home it made the night more enjoyable"

Moving down to pick up the coffee mugs off the table the same time that he did, their heads touching moving their faces up, inches from each other looking into each other eyes, their hands brushing as they reach for the cup.

Why was it her heart was starting to beat faster this was wrong on so many levels she worked with him he was, but she was unable to move.

Seeing her face inches from his he knew he should move away but she wasn't moving did she want this too as in slow motion his lips moved towards her she wasn't moving away she was staying there. Their lips meeting the kiss soft and gentle, both of them standing upwards feeling his arms move around her waist as he hands move around his neck the kissing intensifying it felt so right even though it was so wrong. The kissing becoming feverent with every kiss.

Feeling her lips on his it was what he had wanted for a long time was he pushing her into it, he shouldn't of done it she was vulnerable and he was taking advantage of it

Pull away from her looking into her eyes seeing confusion there "I'm sorry Liv, I shouldn't of done that I'm so sorry"

Watching as he smiles at her walking towards the door what just happened biting her lips watching as he walks out leaning against the door despite it all she had wanted it she had enjoyed it. It had been months since she had been kissed since she had sex the last time was the night she had broken up with Brian the sex was amazing break up sex wasn't it lasting the entire night it was one of the best nights they had no expectations or anything the way they were saying goodbye.

Hearing a knock on the door opening it slowly surprise on her face as she hears "Liv" before the lips meet with hers the kissing becoming more passionate and intense.

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**Hope you enjoyed this chapter it was much shorter as the previous chapter was too long and I wanted to end it there. **

**The next chapter will answer who is this guy who walked her home and stayed that she opened up too and is it him at the door or someone else?**

**Stay tuned and please review if you like it. **


	4. Chapter 4 - the morning after

_**Who is this guy it is someone Olivia works with, read on and you will find out, not sure if you have guessed or not it isn't Cassidy **_

_**Thought people would of guessed who it was with the few hints there. **_

_**Sorry I have reposted it a glitch it seems in posting that somehow another chapter was posted not sure how that happened so here is the correct chapter **_

_**A/N Sorry its taken a little while to update it is harder than I thought to write Olivia with someone other than Cassidy. **_

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Feeling his arms wrapping around her neck his hands moving around her head her hands moving down his body, lifting her leg up closing the door behind them, moving inside the apartment looking into his eyes "I've wanted to do this for such a long time" before his lips find hers again.

Feeling his hands move under her shirt pulling her top from her pants and over her head as her hands move down his body unbuckling his belt and undoing his zipper. His mouth moving away slightly "Liv are you sure about this, I don't want to pressure you into anything, if you don't want this"

Shaking her head putting here finger to his lips "shh don't talk" her hands pulling down his pants before moving trying to unbutton his shirt as his hands move taking off her clothing. The kissing intensifying the desire overwhelming unable to unbutton his shirt ripping it off him, seeing it expose his bare chest.

As their lips hungrily meet each others before moving down her neck their arms wrapped around each other, getting lost in the moment, as they move over to the kitchen bench her arms around his neck her legs around his waist feeling his tongue moving around her body it isn't long before he enters her slowly and gently at first her hand moving to his bum pushing him further inside both of their pent up sexual desire coming out as they make love hard and fast.

Making their way to the bedroom falling on the bed pushing the thoughts of Brian aside the only person she had made love to on the bed was Cassidy her eyes open her body arched the feeling so different this was so new it wasn't like before where it didn't matter what happened, they explored many new things together this was brand new and he was good and he wanted her all thoughts of Cassidy going from her mind as she feels his tongue moving around sending her into an orgasm she wanted more and more, to feel more of his touch all over her.

Opening her eyes the following morning looking around her head slightly sore arms wrapped around her, her body pressed against another her hand draped over his body her head resting on his chest/shoulder.

Her eyes moving around she had the Christmas party the previous night, saw Brian there and had heaps to drink, her eyes moving up memories of the previous night flooding through he had walked her home and they had sat and talked for ages before he came back and they had ended up here would he regret it not it was morning she didn't want to think about what happened or what it meant if anything.

Seeing her eyes looking up at him slight confusion in them seeing them move around slightly, her gorgeous brown eyes even waking up she looked great his mouth moving down to hers the kiss brief "good morning" he didn't regret what happened his only hope was that she didn't either.

Feeling his lips on hers again his hand gently stroking her cheek she didn't know what to feel her head was now thinking more clearly what had she done, she knew what she had done the fact neither of them had any clothes on was testament to that and she could remember the night and it was good, different but good. Now it was morning what did it mean now, was it just a one night stand between them, would it affect their working relationship would it affect them.

Kissing her on the lips he hated to do what he had to do he didn't want her to think he had used her or that all he wanted was a one night stand when he wanted so much more "Sorry Liv, I'm meeting my kids for lunch, I will see you at work tomorrow bright and early"

Watching as he walks out of the bedroom the sheets wrapped tightly around her, why was it now that she was sober that she didn't want him to see her, it was what it was a one night stand that was all there was to it, grabbing a top and putting it on walking out to the living area looking around, their clothes everywhere her eyes moving briefly to him as he starts to put his clothes on

Walking into the kitchen putting the kettle on "you want a coffee before you go" looking at the bench and the floor closing her eyes "it looks a bit like a disaster zone now" the banana holder on the floor along with some papers

Walking into the kitchen wrapping his arms around her he really did feel bad did she only want a one night stand "I really am sorry Liv I would love to take you out to Brunch to stay longer if you'd have me, have a coffee continue where we left off but I promised my kids that I would meet them, another time"

Nodding watching as he walks out would there be another time, did she want another time turning back to the living area picking up her clothes looking around the apartment a smile on her face was she actually moving on from Brian picking up the papers on the floor the sex on the bench when they first moved in they had a night of frenzy sex in the kitchen, the lounge the floor the few times that they had it on the bench waiting for the dinner to cook, she needed to get out of the house away from it all, away from the memories she needed new memories she needed to move on

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Walking into SVU Monday morning she didn't know what to expect would it be awkward she got a text from him last night apologizing again for walking out on her, would it be like nothing happened would anyone guess, would they remember more than she did what happened at the party. She didn't want to see pity or anything from them.

Walking towards her desk seeing the others already there nodding at them, seeing them say nothing to her but their eyes watching her sitting down opposite Nick, seeing a smile on his face but nothing said.

Watching as Lt Murphy's door open "Sergeant Benson can I see you in my office for a moment"

Watching everyone's eyes upon her as she walks into his office closing the door behind her hearing his voice "Saturday night"

Looking up at him he looked nervous "You just want to forget it, I'm fine with that"

Shaking his head "no do you?" his voice hopeful he didn't want to forget it he had no idea how it would work out "I think we need to talk about it and" looking up at her he wanted to say about them and what would happen "I know this restaurant out of the way no one will see us there, want to me at 7 pm?"

Nodding her head as much as she knows it is wrong and going out with someone you work with they did need to talk about it "I'll see you there"

Watching as she walks to the door "I don't regret any of it Sergeant I had a great time"

Turning around smiling at him "me too" before walking out and closing the door behind her what was she doing seeing Nick's eyes upon her as she walked back to her desk would any of them guess.

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Hurrying towards the restaurant she was running slightly late the latest case seeing her not leave the office on time, by the time she had come back, he had gone home, seeing Declan outside leaning against the pole "sorry I'm late took longer than I thought at SVU"

Looking around would Olivia turn up she was running late, he of all people should know about her job but he had left slightly early before she was back, was it right to try to pursue a relationship with her it was only dinner looking up seeing her hurrying towards him, he hoped it would work out as she had everything and more that he wanted she was the total package.

The night was enjoyable and went quickly conversation flowed freely between them the one thing they still hadn't talked about what the other night did she want to bring it up or leave it as it was "are we going to talk about the other night?"

Looking at Olivia he didn't want to ruin the night he was enjoying the dinner and her company "I think we need to, I had a great time Liv I'm sorry I had to leave, I didn't want you to think it was a one night stand or that I was walking out on you. My kids they live with their mother most of the time and go to uni so I hardly get to see them they were in town for the weekend"

Smiling at him he seemed nervous "I wasn't expecting anything it just happened and we work together you don't need to explain Declan"

Looking at her eyes intent on hers "I want to Liv, I don't want a one night stand I want more I had such a good time with you the whole night not just the sex with you but just talking to you" his eyes looking down slightly before up at hers "I had wanted to take you out for a while now but being your boss"

Raising her eyes at him "what happened then to change your mind"

Reaching out for her hand "you, I felt like I took advantage of you in a vulnerable state the other night" looking up at her not wanting to upset her "you were upset about Cassidy I was trying to see how you felt about him in the end I couldn't help myself I ended up kissing you I'm sorry Liv I hope I didn't push you into anything I had wanted to do that for so long"

Stroking his hand "I didn't realize, you didn't push me into anything I enjoyed the night and our time together" looking up into his eyes "I wanted it too Declan"

Walking out of the restaurant the night enjoyable she had enjoyed his company it wasn't awkward or anything.

Reaching for her hand he had enjoyed their time together "Liv I want to see you again the other night it meant something to me I don't want it to be a one night stand, I want to see where this goes with you"

Stopping turning to face him her mouth open slightly "I don't usually date or sleep with my work colleagues it leads to complications"

His eyes down in disappointment he could only wish for something to happen before feeling her hand tilting his face upwards "I enjoyed the other night too, but you're my boss Declan how does that work out, will it work out, people will find out"


	5. Chapter 5 - Talking

Thank you for the reviews I have changed the previous chapter was a bit confusing sorry LOL must be a ghost wanting Bensidy too

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His hand still holding hers "I mightn't be here for much longer Liv, I haven't told any of you this yet as it isn't finalized but I will probably be moving on. I don't know if you will be put back in charge temporarily or if you will get a new captain 1PP hasn't said much, being your boss doesn't change how I feel about you or what happened, if it works out there are certain rules we have to follow but we are both professionals here and it won't affect our working relationship"

Seeing her tilt her head to the side looking at him did she want him to leave, did she want to be commanding officer again or did she want a new captain "when? How"

Seeing her brown eyes trying to process it all maybe he shouldn't of said anything "I don't know yet it is all up in the air and I am not meant to say anything yet but I thought you should know, it might not happen my command here was always temporary during the Lewis thing and then made for a bit longer, I just go where they put me, I hope they don't put me UC again that I don't want to do anymore"

She didn't want to think about that feeling his arm link hers pulling her closer looking up at him "want a night cap"

Nodding at her he didn't want the night to end knowing they both went back to empty places "I know a great little café around here"

Smiling up at him "I was thinking more of a coffee back at my place?"

Looking at her they both knew what that meant it was her way of saying she wanted to give them a go "we can take this as slow as you like" pulling her towards him as his arms go around her waist.

Feeling his arm around her waist "what are you doing?"

Not letting go of her "no one will see us here it is out of the way the wrong part of town"

Walking along hand in hand looking up at Murphy "what happens if this does work out and you stay at SVU"

Pulling her closer to him "it just means we will need to disclose it"

Confusion on her face "disclose it, what does that mean who to"

Stopping turning to face her "if it gets that far, it means I have to send a memo to my boss and to 1PP and also let IAB know, if it affects our working relationship or in anyway compromises a case then one of us will be transferred, but we are both professionals and that won't happen"

Her eyes looking up at him "I don't think I'm ready for that"

Looking down into her gorgeous face "we'll just take it slow, we don't have to that for a while not until we are sure"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Walking into the kitchen watching Olivia put the kettle on his eyes not moving from watching her turn to face him "find anything you liked"

Nodding at her he had looked at the DVD's that they were going to watch but he only wanted to look at one thing his eyes not moving from her "yes"

Getting the cups out of the cupboard feeling his eyes watching her turning around seeing him close to her feeling his lips on hers wrapping his arms around her body "this is what you meant by taking it slow?"

Stroking her face "I'm not going to hurt you Liv, I get it your scared we can just take it slowly"

Handing him the coffee she was scared of giving love another chance or getting hurt again of feeling the way she felt with Brian the love she felt this time it was with someone she worked with

Looking at her he could see the hurt she was feeling "You're been hurt badly I understand if you don't want this, I'm not him Liv I have kids and want a future with someone if it works out all I want now though is to just give us a chance and see what happens"

Her eyes meeting his as her lips find his wrapping her arms around him she did want to give him a chance to move on to find someone who wanted to grow old with her and have kids before it was too late.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

His mouth moving around her body, his hand massaging her breasts moving down her body his tongue moving around spreading her legs apart slightly he could feel the moistness down there as his tongue worked its way down he could feel her body loosen and tremble it wasn't long before she gave in to his movement as the moment arrived and she came.

Her eyes opened she liked the feeling of his mouth moving around her body before he was on top of her, her eyes open looking into his she was enjoying it but she couldn't totally commit it felt weird and in a way wrong her eyes closing before opening again

Stroking her face there was something wrong was he hurting her "Liv what's the matter we don't have to do this"

Looking into his eyes how could she say it "Nothing" reaching up to touch his face gently before pulling his lips down to hers, she wanted to block out the image or fact that this was their bed and felt weird being here with someone else.

Feeling Olivia's lips on his she was hiding something he couldn't help but think if she was thinking of him, was he going to be in her mind pulling away from her "Liv, talk to me, something is going on here"

Looking into his eyes there was concern there how could she tell him she wanted to move on, she suggested he come back to her place she wasn't one to open up "it's nothing Dec"

He really did like her and want to be with her but he didn't want to be second best or get hurt until she gets back with him shaking his head "I can't do this Liv, not if you are thinking of someone else I really want to be with you but not if you want him"

Moving away from him her eyes moving away if she wanted to give this a go she would have to open up if anything she learnt was she pushed Brian away she didn't' open up to him could she do it "its…. It's just doing this, having sex in ….. I know we …. but"

Trying to keep the sadness out of his eyes at least she opened up to him "you were drunk then and not now, this is your and Cassidy's bed"

Looking up at him it sounded weird and not something a 48 year old would say let along her but Brian was her first serious boyfriend the first guy she had moved in with, the first guy she really fell in love with, her hand rubbing his cheek "I'm sorry, it's not that I don't want to be with you"

Looking at her she wasn't over Cassidy not by a long shot this was still their apartment their bed and things "that's ok maybe I should just leave"

Is that what she wanted this was new all of this was new the sex was nothing like Brian it was wild passionate spontaneous just like him but she ended it and she needed to move on from him to stop thinking about him, would he of slept with anyone by now

Watching as Murphy gets out of bed pulling his pants on, was she going to live in Brian's shadow unable to move on from him, she had felt something between them she did want to move on find that Right person.

Watching as Declan walks to the door, quickly getting out of the bed walking up to him placing her hand on his arm, looking into his eyes "don't go" rubbing his cheek "maybe next time we go to your place"

Kissing her gently on the lips was he willing to give her up already "we don't have to do this tonight"

Moving her lips away slightly "I'm sorry"

Pulling her body towards him his hand moving her hair off her face "Don't be he was a huge part of your life for a long time and got your through some dark moments I'm not going to push you Liv we can take things at your pace and as slow as you want, but I can't be a rebound guy for you"

Stroking his face moving her lips towards his, her voice soft "you are a great person Declan, you're not the rebound guy I am moving on from Brian, he was a huge part of my life but that part is over you're here and now" as her lips find his all thoughts of Brian leaving her here was a guy who wanted her was understanding and actually wanted a relationship not just hooking up as their kissing intensifies making their way back to the bedroom.

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Hurrying to the café she needed some closure in their relationship she was moving on slowly with Declan Murphy she had no idea if what they had would work out or if it was some casual affair but at the moment she was enjoying the feeling of something new it was hard to get used to at first someone else in their apartment, their bed but slowly it was becoming a nice feeling and she was going over to his apartment more.

Seeing Brian sitting hurrying inside "Sorry I'm late Brian, got stuck in traffic, work"

Nodding at Olivia she looked good her face had colour "that's ok was wondering if you were going to come and catch up"

Hanging her coat over the chair "I said I would, what did you want to talk about?"

Looking at the menu before looking back at Olivia "I'm sorry Liv about the Christmas dinner I never meant to hurt you there or anything, that girl I was dancing with she was just someone from UC"

Her hands fiddling on the table "you don't need to explain Bri we both didn't handle that moment or night well I think the break up was still raw and the first time we saw each other since then. I think it was hard for both of us."

Looking up at the waiter ordering a coffee and cake each "How are you going, you are looking good"

Smiling at Brian "I'm fine Brian, the nightmares are now stopping hardly there knowing Lewis is dead and unable to hurt me or anyone again and being cleared by the Grand Jury and getting my shield back I feel like I can finally get on with my life"

Looking at his ex girlfriend was there a chance that moving on included him at all he didn't want to push her but he wanted her back in his life if she would give him a chance he had time to think and he wanted her and to grow old with her.

His hands on the table he needed to know "why Liv, why did you go to Lewis alone knowing what he is like, and what he did to you previously"

Her eyes moving away from him the story she told IAB and everyone else "if I had backup he would of killed Amelia it was me he wanted no one else Amelia was bait to get me there and it worked he knew how to get to me"

His eyes not moving from hers the thought that he could of lost her "you knew that he could of killed you, he had already gone on a killing spree, you risked your life for her" closing his eyes he remembered when he heard the news "I was so scared Liv"

Taking a deep breath looking up as the coffee arrives "I did what I had to do to protect Amelia he did all of that for me she was the bait, and I wasn't going to let him kill her too I knew the risk when I went there and yes I knew I could die but what choice did I have he raped her sister because of me and killed their mother" closing her eyes briefly she would never forget him making her watch as he raped Mayers mother before she passed out

The pain of her words and what she was saying what she did "the thought of you there I saw your confession on the news, he forced you to do that then heard that you went rogue cop I was going out of my mind with worry what he was going to do with you" he wanted to know if it was true any of it he was only there for the parts of the trial that she wanted

Her eyes looking up at him "there is something you should know, the confession was the truth Lewis was cuffed when I beat him … that is why I didn't go before the Grand Jury I couldn't perjure myself again I already did it once he knew all that he knew exactly what he was doing he wasn't going to release her it was all about getting me to him again, getting inside my head, knowing what he was capable of he knew that what he could do"

Would it have made a difference if they were still together "You did what you had to do Liv, if we were still together would you have still gone on your own risked your life"

Looking up at Brian she didn't want to answer that she knew the answer that she was hurting a lot from their breakup and had nothing to lose when she went there, she knew she could die and it was a risk she was willing to take, she no longer had someone to go home to, no longer had someone there for her

Her silence was more than words could say "I'm sorry Liv"

Looking up at him "Brian stop apologizing it isn't your fault, it's Lewis's sick mind I'm here and Amelia is safe and this nightmare is now over, I have images that he has made sure that will stay with me for a long time but I'm here now"

Reaching out for her hand he had read the reports at IAB about it and seen the photos "I can't imagine what that would be like I was so worried"

Stroking his hand "I know you were the only person I spoke to at the hospital, the only one I really wanted too, Nick and Fin wanted to stay"

Taking a sip of his coffee "I wanted to stay Liv to comfort you to hold you again I wish we could of worked things out that we had grown closer than further apart, I didn't want to fight with you I hated fighting with you that last week together I wanted to get back into sync with you but I respected that you wanted more, maybe one day we will be right together and be together again"

**NEXT CHAPTER – what will Olivia do, will she give Brian another chance or will she chose Lt Muprhy and what does he find out about Olivia that she had kept hidden.**


	6. Chapter 6 - Memories and Flashbacks

_**Sorry this chapter is a bit longer I wanted to finish it at a set part the next chapter is a bit shorter**_

_**Thank you for the people who added it as a favourite or following, if you like it please review it**_

_**Hope you enjoy this chapter**_

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Closing her eyes briefly "the images stay with you Brian I was protecting myself but I also was protecting you those images stay with you and I didn't want you to have them"

Holding her hand he could remember the day it happened how for 2 days he didn't do anything not knowing "it is probably no worse than what I imagined he put you through" he could still remember the words from Amanda and Munch, Munch saying he was involved with the victim, hearing Olivia as the victim "knowing he already had you for 2 days imagining what he was doing to you wondering if you were still alive, wondering if he was raping and torturing you the hope that some of his victims he let live not all of them died what he did to them, it was then I couldn't imagine my life without you and realized I wanted more than just the hook ups you not opening up Liv the images that were in my head were made worse and you not talking about it I thought …..."

Looking up at him his hazel eyes that face she didn't even think of that "I'm sorry Brian I thought I was protecting you and me by not telling you, the images it put in my head I didn't want them in your head, you saw what he did to me … I didn't think how it would of affected you, I wouldn't of gotten through it all without you though, the nightmares all of it you were there for me even when I pushed you away, for 2 months you took me into your apartment and made sure I was okay gave me the space when I needed it, just held me at night didn't try to have sex with me until I was ready, came to my apartment I took you for granted through it all not realizing how it was affecting you and you still wanted us to move in together"

This was a part of Olivia he hadn't seen her opening up it was what he had wanted for so long "I wanted you at my apartment Liv I wanted us to get closer after living together for 2 months getting through that it seemed right for both of us"

Here was the man she had fallen in love with, everything about him she had fallen in love with she had explored every part of his body as he had with hers he had made her feel like she hadn't before "Brian what if I was pregnant then when you were relieved I wasn't would you of still stayed?"

His eyes moving around he remembered how his heart nearly stopped beating when she said she thought she was pregnant and was going to take the test that day and the relief when she wasn't "I wouldn't of left you Liv if you were pregnant I would of stayed by you I wouldn't of let you go through that by yourself I know it is what you want a family and I never said no"

Interrupting him her eyes not moving from his "you didn't say anything, not even yes when I asked all you said was you didn't see yourself growing old"

Reaching out to touch her face watching as she pulled backwards "I don't but if I did it would have been with you and I wouldn't of let you go through it alone I couldn't do that to you Liv"

Feeling tears come to her eyes, why didn't' they talk like that previously she needed to leave it was getting dangerous she couldn't let herself fall in love with him again to take the chance, getting up off the chair, putting some money on the table "take care Brian"

Standing up he could see her trying to keep it together putting his money on the table as they walk outside pulling him towards her kissing her on top of the head "you too Liv" watching as she walks away he didn't want her out of his life in a way now he wished that pregnancy test was positive they might actually still be together and trying to work out their problems

Walking out of the café blinking back the tears that were forming the confusion there she was starting a fresh new relationship moving forward why did she ask him about the pregnancy scare if only they had been that open instead she had ended it thinking they weren't on the same page.

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Walking inside her apartment looking around there were a few things of Declan's here now not many but he was spending time here or her at his place he had given her a key to his place and he now had a key to this apartment, the key that was Brians the key he gave back to her after he took the last of his things, leaving it on the table with a note, the one thing she kept the reminder of what she gave up "_I wish things worked out differently Liv, take care Love Brian_" the first note that he used the word love on the final note he would give to her.

She was still shaking slightly after meeting Brian he had stirred up something inside of her, she had wanted closure to be able to move on to say goodbye to finish that part of her life to let go of him for ever she didn't realize when she said "I love you too Brian, always will" what that meant that she actually did mean it, she was going to tell him she had met someone else but they had opened up spoken freely, she hadn't realized what he went through the not knowing what had happened to her was worse than actually knowing. Her nightmares that he was always there for would have been hard on him too knowing that she was reliving it but having no idea what happened who frightening it would have been for him the images that he would have had in his mind.

She didn't get closure she was more confused than ever. Why did she ask him about the what if, she was better off not knowing that he would of stuck by her did she really know him. She was moving on with her life with someone who wanted to grow old with her and maybe he wanted kids if it went that way. They were careful at the moment she was back on the pill again they had played it safe, she was getting older did Declan want more kids, is that what she wanted from him.

OOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

Lying on the couch she would have to get ready soon, he was coming over to go out to dinner, he would drive her to places where they would not be seen together.

Her eyes trying to focus as they drive along why did she meet Brian smiling up at Declan here was a man who wanted to be with her yet her mind kept going back to Brian.

Looking around as the car pulls up "what's going on here"

Opening the door putting his hands over her eyes "trust me here Liv"

Following him inside the darkness on her eyes not being able to see she could feel herself start to sweat her eyes open but unable to see she is back in Lewis's car on the floor with the tarp over her, her mouth duct taped trying to focus on things around her as he pulls the tarp up over her more as she hears the gun shot, the young officer killed for asking too many questions. Put in the car at the granary before being pushed along feeling the gun held to her head by herself and Lewis, throwing her body down on the table before tying her hands to the table. Feeling his hands groping her before moving down to her belt as she froze in that moment she hoped that not resisting would prevent what she thought was the inevitable that for the first time she was going to be raped and this time she had accepted it. Trying to get her breathing under control was this what it was going to be like small things triggering the flashbacks never being able to move on from what he did to her.

He could feel her start to tremble her skin starting to become clammy she was trying to walk she was in fear "Liv"

Trying to remain in control to stop the flashbacks her hands coming up to her eyes to his hands "no" her hands shaking

Looking at Olivia there was something wrong "Liv…. Liv talk to me" moving his hands away from her eyes turning her around to look at her looking into her eyes, they were glassed over she wasn't with him.

Her eyes moving around she could see again looking at the face in front of her Murphy "I'm fine"

She wasn't fine far from it, looking at the fear that was there, her eyes not focusing on him at first something was going on, holding on to her she looked fragile. The door of the lift opening, guiding her to the room he wanted it to be a surprise but somehow his hands over her eyes had, THE PTSD flashbacks she was reliving something his money was on Lewis.

Walking into the room her eyes moving around coming back to the present her breathing starting to get under control, she hated the way her body and mind reacted to the situation. Her mouth open in surprise laid out before her were two chairs and a table with champagne in a bucket and food on the table. Walking over to the table, oysters, prawns spread out turning to Declan "this is amazing"

Moving over to her the surprise on her face seeing the colour come back and the shaking stopped "I'm so sorry Liv, I wanted it to be a surprise"

Shaking her head walking over to kiss him on the lips, moving over to the window the view overlooking the city and the water "you shouldn't of done this"

Looking at her it was her way of moving on from what happened not wanting to talk about it "you are worth it"

Sitting at the table as the waiters walk in, filling up her glass and bringing in the food it was amazing she had never had anything like this before looking up at him "Thank you this is wonderful"

Reaching out for her hand her eyes and face had come back to him "I just wanted the night to be special, I'm sorry about before I didn't mean to scare you Liv or bring back any memories"

Her eyes looking down at her plate she was embarrassed about how she over reacted "I'm sorry Dec, it… it bought back … it reminded" she couldn't open up and say it

Looking into her huge eyes "it bought back memories of what Lewis did to you, its nothing to be ashamed of Liv I should of thought before I did it"

Stroking his hand she didn't want the images or anything in his head "you weren't to know, let's just enjoy this"

Looking into her eyes he wished that Lewis had never happened to her, he could remember walking into the granary seeing her there blood over her face, the shock on her face sitting in the car "we have the whole night to enjoy this before heading back to work tomorrow"

Leaning over the table to kiss him "did I miss something, it's not my birthday, is it your's?"

Their kiss soft and gentle what was he to say that it had been two months now that they started going out would she think any less of him "it's been 2 months since we first started going out, I wanted to do something special"

Her eyes raised at him "if I get this for 2 months what would a year be"

A small laugh escaping from him "you will have to go out with me for that long to find out, but I guarantee it will be special and worth it"

Finishing the meal looking at his girlfriend the colour now back on her face, her eyes lighting up again he felt so lucky that she had agreed to go out with him, to become his girlfriend "room for dessert?"

Getting up off the seat her eyes not moving from him "maybe we can work up an appetite for it" walking over to his seat, sitting on his lap as her his lips finding their the kissing intensifying

His arms wrapping around her "I like the sound of that" his lips hungrily meeting hers as they stand up moving over to the bed his hands fumbling with her clothes watching as they fall to the ground to expose her undies and bra he would never tire looking at her.

Both of them falling down onto the satin sheets as their hands move around each other, their lips exploring their bodies it isn't long before he slowly enters her, his rhythm slow at first before becoming faster and faster their bodies becoming one.

Walking out of the hotel the following morning the night had been amazing they finally had some dessert in the early hours of the morning when they were able to tear themselves apart only to build up an appetite for more their hands and mouths exploring every part of their body his mouth finding places that sent her wild that she wanted him inside of her wanted his tongue moving around giving her one orgasm after the other trying to hold on so they could come together he had awoken her body again sent her to places she hadn't been for a while. They had finally fallen asleep him still inside of her their hands wrapped around either other as close as they could be, only to wake up a few hours later unable to keep their hands and mouths off each other him entering her again and again.

Hand in hand walking out to the car "now you expect me to be able to concentrate at work"

Looking at Olivia a smile on his face the night was more than he imagined "I know that feeling, watching you at your desk unable to hold or touch you counting down the minutes until I can feel your lips your touch again, some days it drive me crazy"

Turning to face him as they arrive at the car "only some days"

Pulling her towards him "every day but now I get to finish work and able to hold you and more not just watch from afar"

Reaching up touching his face before finding his lips "tonight though I need some sleep"

OOOOOOOooooooo

Her eyes open wide the sweat on her shaking she hadn't had a nightmare for ages for weeks now sitting up looking around she had them after Brian left and after Lewis shot himself but for a few months they had gone trying to get her breathing under control she was used to Brian's arms around her his soothing words, even though she had never told him what happened he always woke up comforting her stroking her until the shaking stopped going back to sleep with his arms back around her most of the time not going to sleep until he knew she was asleep.

She was reliving it all again the moment she walked into her apartment to find him standing there with the gun in hand "welcome home Detective" the fear in her eyes as he got her gun for 4 days she was tortured and in her mind that he was going to rape and kill her or leave her somewhere to die, she found it hard to forget what she saw unable to help Mrs Mayer whilst she was raped passing out instead begging for her life. Once Lewis was dead there was closure but now here they are again something had triggered them to start them off again she was right back at the beach house her old apartment it was all there.

He heard a slight scream waking up he saw here there sitting up on the bed shaking and sweating slightly seeing her knees bent up towards her chest. Sitting up on the bed concern in his eyes, her eyes slightly glazed over staring straight ahead, not wanting to startle her touching her arm gently " Liv" seeing her turn to face him but not even focusing or looking at him " Liv, what's happening"

Seeing Declan looking at her concern in his eyes she didn't want him to see her like this she was trying to control it "its okay sorry to wake you up"

Pulling her towards him "LIv you're not okay you're shaking" nightmares she was having a nightmare after what she went how could he not see it, she had mentioned it briefly a while ago and the incident at the hotel but this was worse she was scared she was elsewhere reliving it all.

Closing her eyes the images going they had woken her up they were so real again it wasn't just a bad dream it had happened to her, he had burnt her body, her breathing was so rapid she was trying to come back to the present.

Seeing the look in his eyes she knew that he knew it wasn't hard to guess she wanted the nightmares to stop "I'll be ok Dec" how could she open up to him when she never opened up to Brian.

He hated seeing her like that Lewis even dead still had a grip on her, he had never asked what he put her through she had never offered "you want to talk?"

Shaking her head she couldn't open up to him she didn't want the images in anyone elses head she didn't want anyone to know what he actually did to her, how come she came to being raped, how she was tortured for days "no, I'm fine, go back to sleep, sorry to wake you up"

Shaking his head his arms around her she was protecting herself "I'm not going back to sleep Liv until I know you're okay, it's normal to have them after what you went through" pulling her close wrapping his arms around her feeling her shaking still what did that bastard do to her

Her head against his chest her breathing coming back to normal "I thought they had stopped, I hardly have them now Lewis" closing her eyes remembering his image in front of her just before "he said this is the last thing you'll ever think about before you die, the last thing you're going to see"

Trying to stop the shaking remembering his hand moving down to undo her belt, his lips on hers grappling with her breasts his mouth moving around her neck she was blocking it out "he's dead but he is still in my head"

Feeling her shaking "Lewis wanted to get into your head" watching as she fiddles with her hands "have long have you had the nightmares for?"

Feeling his hand running up and down her arm "since he kidnapped me Brian would wake up or I would wake him up with them and hold me they were nearly every night at one stage all the time reliving it all it was like I was back there, Brian …." Shaking her head she couldn't think of that or how he helped her not now it was painful enough she put him through so much

Stroking her head the only comfort he got was knowing that Cassidy was there for her helping her through it and as much as he hated it he got her through a lot and she knew it "no one should have to go through what you went through, no one could come out it not affected by it, the scene at the granary at the very least, I don't know what he did to you when he took you hostage but knowing what he is like, the nightmares Liv are nothing to be ashamed off, you did so well through it all I don't think anyone could come out of it unscathed"

Lying back in bed nestled in his arms against his body the shaking going slightly, she thought she was over the nightmares that they had finally left her but here they had come back just as bad as last time the images still there fresh, would she ever not have them or relive those 4 days over again.

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

Walking into Dr Lindstrom's office it had been a while since she had been here a few times when Lewis shot himself but his words helped that she was able to move on that she was here and alive and he was dead.

Looking at Olivia it had been a while "how have you been Olivia, it's been a while since you have been here"

Leaning back in the chair "I started having the nightmares again, they had gone away and I hadn't had any in a few months, they have come back again just as bad I was reliving the whole 4 days again the feeling that I wasn't going to escape the feeling that he was in control and my life was in his hands that he was going to rape me at the end, the assault was bad enough but it was like remembering what it was like that he was trying to find a place to rape me, he said that I wasn't going to leave their alive" running her hands over her face "the feeling at the granary that I had accepted he was going to rape me there to save Amelia I can feel his hands and touch on me, his lips on my neck, the images are so fresh in my mind still

Leaning forward in his chair "anything that set it off Olivia"

Fiddling with her hands "I met up with Brian for coffee a couple of days ago we got talking, something we should of done a while ago I opened up slightly to him, we really talked ….. it doesn't matter"

His eyes on Olivia "go on it seems it does matter if the nightmares have come back"

Leaning forward "I wasn't going to mention I thought he didn't want kids I shouldn't of but I asked him what would of happened if that test was positive and I was pregnant when I thought of that totally different future when I had that brief hope" looking down at her hands "he told me that he would of stayed with me stuck by me here"

"You think you made a mistake now, that you are now confused?"

Her eyes not looking at him "I was thinking he didn't want kids I wanted a family and I thought he didn't so broke up with him maybe I was wrong, he got me through one of the darkest period of my life he held me every night he was there for me, then I pushed him away" fiddling with her hands "I've started a new relationship it's only been a couple of months now no one knows, we went out for dinner he put his hands over my eyes that one thing brought back the flashbacks, they are there always in the back of my mind"

"you're strong Olivia and you have gotten through it all before you will again"

Nodding at him "I know but Brian was the one who got me through so much, I didn't think he would ever leave me but I left him and for a while I thought I'd made the right decision as hard as it was we were going in different directions"

Leaning forward in his seat "you don't give yourself enough credit Olivia you got yourself through a lot. First you give Lewis credit for being inside your head and what you thought you'd have to live with and Brian did help you but you helped yourself Olivia you pulled through this on your own, you went through a lot and you had help with dealing with it and getting through it all.

Her eyes up at him "I never opened up to him I never told him what happened he was so patient with me the whole time me pushing him away, holding me each night I thought I was protecting him with the images but I was really protecting myself never realizing what it did to him how he suffered too wondering what happened. I pushed him away so often and the last time, did I make the right decision. They nightmares had gone away and all it took was one meeting with Brian for them to come back, speaking to him my mind everything…" she couldn't say anymore she had said enough.

Looking at Olivia she was a strong woman "now you're not sure, you want him back, what's stopping you then if that is what you want, is something new so scary the unknown?"

Her eyes moving around slightly "is it what I want I don't know anymore, I thought I was able to move on enjoy the new relationship I was in, it was so different I wanted closure I thought that was what would happen when I met him but instead we did what we should of done we talked openly. I think he wants to give us another chance I don't know what to do I am happy now with Declan he wants what I want" shaking her head "I just don't know anymore"

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo

She told Murphy she was visiting her brother she needed to get away and think to see what she wanted she didn't know what she wanted. She thought she was over Cassidy was moving on but she wasn't so sure now. The feelings she had for him were hard to go away he was the only guy she had said I love you too that she had wanted to move in with. She was the one who broke it off so why couldn't she move on she had someone who wanted to be with her, who was wonderful in so many ways. If she continued to push him away would she end up losing him too.

Walking along the beach she needed to clear her mind to think straight to make a decision, the uncertainty of what she was feeling was causing the images to come back in her head the nightmares to reoccur she needed them all to stop.

She had been away for now 24 hours she knew what she had to do, taking out her phone making a phone call "Can you meet me I'm at Long Island a little guest house here" hanging up the phone was she making the right decision she had time to think and be by herself she had to do what was right for her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

_**Next chapter: who did Olivia call, is she giving up on love totally or is she ready to commit more and if so it is to Cassidy or Murphy. **_


	7. Chapter 7 - Moving forward

_**Thank you for the reviews and followings, hope you enjoy it and please review if you do. **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Walking along the beach she knew it would be a while before he arrived she hoped she was doing the right thing, making the right decision she had thought about it, had gone away she needed to clear her head she had hoped going to Dr Lindstrom would help her instead it made her more confused about her feelings was he actually trying to encourage her to get back with Brian despite it all were they on the same page. What about her relationship with Declan did he want another child was it serious enough, was she ready to declare their relationship to make it public, it took a year with Brian and only then it was found out accidentally was she embarrassed about being seen with them.

Opening the door it wasn't long before he arrived looking up into his caring face she knew she had made the right decision the right thing for her taking his hand leading him over to the couch leaning over kissing him "I just needed to get away to think. I met Brian the other day for a coffee we did something we should of done in ages we talked openly it stirred up a lot of stuff, I'm sorry Dec"

Looking at Olivia her feet curled up under her "you're going back to him?"

Seeing the sadness in his eyes reaching out to touch his face her voice soft "no, I want to be with you, no more sneaking around I'm ready to disclose our relationship when necessary. I can't hold onto the past I need to move forward and that is with you to see where this goes"

Looking into Olivia's eyes he was expecting the worse "are you sure Liv"

Looking into his eyes not saying anything as her lips find his softly at first before her arms move around his neck kissing him passionately "does that answer your question"

His hand moving down her head feeling her lips hungrily find his "I still have this place for another night can you stay?"

Moving her down onto the lounge looking into her brown eyes he wasn't going anywhere not now or for a long time, his whole body was hungry for her, he had wanted her more than he had wanted anyone for a long time.

OOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Her head in his lap her feet curled up on the lounge they were staying an extra night away from everything just the two of them, her with a long shirt on, him with a robe the fire burning in the fire place looking up at him a smile on her face this was perfect just what they needed feeling his hand stroking her head.

Looking down at his girlfriend he was worried for a short time that she was going to choose Brian go back to him but with her lying next to him now he was content, he was falling in love with her. She was everything he had wanted she had compassion, a love for her job she was not only beautiful on the outside but the inside too, moving her hair slightly away from her he couldn't get enough of her.

They had explored each other bodies moving from the lounge to the bedroom spending all night and all day, getting a few hours sleep at a time before waking up and starting all over again. They had explored parts of each other bodies that they hadn't before her touch sent him wild. He wanted her like he hadn't wanted anyone before he couldn't get enough of her.

They had finally gotten out of bed late in the afternoon the following day both having worked up an appetite and moved to the lounge to wait for the takeout neither of them really wanting to get dressed and go out. She was happy here with Declan he was stirring up feelings in her again a feeling that had started to go away his touch over her body the way he nibbled her ears his tongue moved around her breasts, him sending her crazy

Finishing their dinner seeing Declan smiling at her putting their plates back in the kitchen the guest house was quaint on the beach small with just a bedroom and kitchenette just what she wanted, She was worried about the nightmares coming back from Lewis but this was nothing like where he took her she needed to do this.

Feeling his arms around her waist drawing her towards him feeling his lips nibble her neck her ears moving her head back feeling his hands move under the shirt his lips finding the right spots gripping the bench as his hands move down her body watching as her undies fall to the floor shit this felt so good, his tongue finding places that sent her wild.

Leaning back on the bench her hands gripping the edge feeling his mouth move around her body moving further down she knew she was moist down there but she didn't care all she wanted was Declan as his lips move her body losing control.

Watching and feeling Olivia's body tremble and quiver he wanted to be inside of her, he didn't care where they did it, he just wanted her, to feel her body pressed against his, for his tongue to be on her.

Moving her body to a sitting position his eyes fixed with hers his lips slowly finding hers as her arms move around his neck and slowly down his back landing on his bum it isn't long before he is inside of her their love making fast and furious.

Closing the door behind them his arm around her waist seeing Olivia look up at him, neither of them wanted to leave neither of them getting much sleep there was something new about their relationship it was like they were finally a couple she had chosen him over Brian he had to admit that he was worried that she only wanted to hook up nothing serious. He wanted to take their relationship to the next step to make it official

Looking at Declan "what are you thinking?"

Was he that obvious "you, me, us did you mean it when you said you wanted to disclose our relationship?"

Looking at Declan it had taken a year with Brian even then it was an accident "I don't know if I am ready for the squad to find out but I do want to be with you and if that means disclosing it to 1PP and IAB then I'm ready for that when need be"

Smiling at her "let's just give it a bit more time, but I do want to be with you Liv and for the record I do want this to work out between us"

Smiling back at him meeting his lips her voice soft "me too"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo

It had been a month since she had gone away and their relationship was stronger neither of them had gone to 1PP yet, they knew they had to but kept putting it off, she was happy and didn't want to ruin that, she didn't want people to know their business but also she wanted the creeping around to stop it was different to Cassidy both of them putting work first their relationship second at first until they moved in together to grow closer.

It had been over 3 ½ months now nearing 4 months since they started going out, casual at first, now they both were getting serious he was nothing like Cassidy this was more than a hook up they spent many nights together more together than apart, dinner most weekends spent together, they went out to museums and places.

Did she want her squad to know she wasn't ready for that yet for her private life to become public for everyone here to know that she was going out with him, that was holding her back from disclosing it knowing it would come out having them all look at her differently wondering about them.

Watching Olivia walk out of SVU where was the Sergeant who stayed back until most of them left, the one that came in extra early, there was something about her, she had a spring in her step colour back in her face she was happy, the happiest he had seen her in a while. He had hoped that she hadn't gotten back with Cassidy, it was no secret he didn't like the guy.

If he made her happy he was happy, he knew she had gone out with Haden even though she never admitted it and here she was acting the same way.

Watching as she picked up her bag "you look happy Liv"

Looking at her partner "huh"

Seeing Olivia look at him "I'm just saying you look happier lately than you have in a while, It's great"

Shaking her head "go home Nick, we have crims to catch tomorrow"

Looking at Olivia "where is the Sergeant Benson that would stay here until late"

Shrugging at him "I'm not in charge of here anymore so I can leave early, have a night off"

Watching as she walked out she was seeing someone that much he was sure off, he just had no idea who, did Brian move back in, would she actually tell him if he did. He was glad and happy for her, she had been through so much she deserved some happiness, even if he thought Cassidy was the wrong person he had seen that at one stage he did make her happy.

Looking up at Lieutenant Murphy walk out of the Captains office he still couldn't take to him still had issues with him, he thought he would be gone by now but 10 months later he was still here hearing his voice "see you tomorrow Amaro, go home"

Picking up his jacket from his desk "just about to leave" watching as Murphy walks out of SVU even Olivia seemed to work well with him now, was he the only one to see that he didn't belong in SVU.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oooooooooooooo

Hearing the phone ring rolling over half asleep picking it up "Benson"

hearing Nick's voice on the other end "Liv, is that you I thought I'd call Murphy's phone"

Looking at the phone in her hand "shit" she had picked up the wrong phone in her sleep her eyes wide open looking at him sleeping next to her his hand running down her arm.

Hearing Liv's voice on the phone did he ring Olivia's number looking at his phone, no the number he dialed was Murphy's "Sorry Liv, must of dialed your number by mistake" even as he said it he knew she wouldn't believe it

Seeing Declan look at her the shock on her face at hearing Nick's voice, confusion on Declan's as his fingers run over her body as she pushed his hand away. She knew Nick could see what number he dialed "I'm, ah …. Sorry we were working late on a case last night, I must of picked up his phone by mistake instead of mine, they were both on the table" she knew she was rambling now "he probably has my phone, unless I left it at work"

He knew Olivia was lying but he didn't want to admit the truth either that Sergeant Olivia Benson was sleeping with Lt Declan Murphy, she had been acting secretly lately and was happier than she had been in a way he was a slight step up from Cassidy but only just.

Did she hear right did Nick just stay Liv her eyes on Nick she was sure she did "I thought you were ringing Murphy"

His eyes staring at his phone before looking up at Rollins "I dialed the wrong number, I called Liv by mistake" he didn't want to look up at Amanda or Fin he didn't want to see the disbelief in their eyes he knew that it was a weak reason he could only hope they would believe it but his eyes still moved up to them seeing both eyes on him "I'll call him now"

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

_**Will the rest of the squad find out and how will Amaro act. **_

_**Do they now go to 1PP and disclose or is it too late. **_


	8. Chapter 8 - Are they?

Sitting up in bed looking at the phone in her hand how could she be so stupid to answer his phone just to pick up any phone without looking at it "now the whole squad is going to know, stupid stupid"

Looking at Olivia shaking her head "Maybe Nick believed your story"

Turning to look at him "you don't believe that anymore than I do" starting to get out of bed pulling on some tracksuit pants "I just didn't want them to find out not yet, not until you were out of SVU or…., now it will go to IA and what about disclosing it we haven't even done that yet"

Leaning over pulling her back onto the bed looking at her holding her hand "Liv, we will deal with all of that when we need to, if only Nick knows, he won't say anything, if need be I will just have to leave SVU earlier than planned we will work it out. I'm not going to stop seeing you"

Sighing looking up at him "I know it had to come out sooner or later but I just wanted it to be later much later and not like this especially not with the squad finding out" getting up off the bed heading to the shower turning to look at him "I don't want this hidden forever and we are getting serious but oh"

Getting up out of bed walking over to her, pulling her towards him kissing her "I know Liv I understand it's just came out sooner than we wanted it's not going to change the way I feel about you" putting on his shoes as she heads into the bathroom "I'll go to 1PP or IAB if need be and sort it out"

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

He didn't want to look around to see if Amanda or Fin believed him, Fin he was pretty sure wouldn't pick up on anything but Rollins on the other hand he wasn't so sure, she had picked up on Haden & Olivia he only thought but Rollins had guessed and Liv she never denied it the few years ago. Should he ring Murphy again and hope that Murphy picked up or pretend that he was speaking to Murphy he could feel Amanda's eyes upon him before hearing her voice "Are you calling Lt Murphy or want me to dial the correct number"

Shaking his head he didn't even want to think about it but now it was in his mind Olivia was sleeping with Declan Murphy "I'll do it, I have Liv on speed dial and pressed that by mistake" he knew he should shut up but kept rambling "used to Liv being in charge here or calling her phone, at least it wasn't Cragen overseas"

Looking at Amaro he wasn't turning around he wasn't a good liar she knew that when she had picked up on Haden and Olivia and spoke to Nick he tried to deny it then and sucked at it part of her wondered if he had called the right phone and Olivia answered it "I'll call him Nick"

Hearing his voice sharp "no, I said I will do it"

A smile on her face she had hit a nerve "ooookay just do it then"

Looking up at Amanda "what everyone has dialed the wrong number, even you"

Nodding at Nick trying not to smirk "what ever you say Nick, but don't you find it strange that we are all here and the only two people missing are Lt Murphy and Sgt Benson"

Looking up at Amanda he knew what she was getting at he didn't want to encourage her "no, what I do find strange is you Rollins, trying to make things out of nothing"

Half listening to Amanda and Nick he can't be around to listen to the gossip "Rollins, Nick is right"

Turning to face Fin "Don't you find it weird, he is in charge of SVU and she is next in charge and here we are here before them"

Shaking his head "so they are late one day"

Throwing her hands up in the air "both of them, that's my point"

Grabbing his jacket turning to Amanda and Nick "I think you are seeing couples everywhere Amanda, it's all in your head, even if they are it has nothing to do with us, I'm getting a coffee anyone want one?"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Walking into the squad room would they all look at her seeing Fin and Rollins at their desk Rollins face looking up at her briefly a look on her face before her head moves back down again, moving over to her own seeing Nick's eyes on her his voice low "Really Liv you and Murphy"

Looking at Nick she went through this when he found out about Cassidy "it's no big deal Nick and it's none of your business"

His eyes moving around the squad room "it is all our business Liv you and him he's your boss, what if IAB or 1PP find out, do they know about your relationship is that what it is?"

Leaning over to Nick trying not to draw attention to them "this is exactly the reason I didn't tell you or anyone, as I didn't want to go through this, just forget it happened Nick I picked up the wrong phone this morning"

Shaking his head at her "you getting good at this lying now"

Glaring at him getting up off her seat "just leave it"

Watching Nick and Olivia Fin's eyes turn to Amanda the grin on her face looking up as Olivia walks away "you okay Liv?"

Looking at Fin she could see Amanda's eyes watching her "didn't sleep well last night, just need more morning coffee"

Looking at Olivia walking away "Big night Liv?" seeing Olivia look at her eyes raised "I thought you must have had a big night, go anywhere special?"

Turning to look at Amanda "what?" shaking her head "no, the nightmares still come occasionally and keep me up" it wasn't a total lie but she wasn't willing to admit the truth

Watching as Olivia pours the coffee she knew she was lying but she couldn't say anything and she knew it

Seeing Fin look at her the glare on his face shaking his head slightly she would give up for now, but she knew she was right

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

Looking up as Lt Murphy walks into the squad room "Benson, Amarao, Fin and Rollins my office"

Feeling Nick's gaze upon him and Olivia glancing at Nick he knew that he had already mentioned something looking at Fin and Rollins their looks gave nothing away but Amanda was pretty good at hiding things "Listen up" explaining the case to them sending Fin and Rollins off "Amaro Benson" watching as Fin and Rollins glance at them with Amanda looking back up at him before heading out.

Looking at both of them he knew Amaro knew the looks he gave him glare more to the point "I'm not going to ask what is going on here are you two able to work together, Amaro?"

Glaring at Murphy he didn't like him after Lewis and now again he wasn't sure of him again "is that because what is going on, or you don't want anyone else to know" seeing the glare of Olivia "we're fine, Olivia's my partner I'm sure I can trust her"

Rolling her eyes at Amaro giving Murphy a small smile "we'll be fine he'll get over it eventually" walking to the door

Calling out to her "Liv" watching as she stops motioning for her to close the door "I'm going to talk to 1PP it's come out now, it could come out again, we can't keep on hiding it, do you trust Amaro"

Nodding at him "Yeah I do, I understand, will they need to talk to me"

Standing up from his desk his hand holding hers "probably I will send them the email and memo today"

Watching as the door closes he knew she didn't want to go public yet but this morning had forced their hand, he didn't know Amaro well but he trusted what Olivia thought.

Walking out to the car seeing Nick waiting at the car "Does Cassidy know about you and Murphy"

Tossing the keys to him "Take the 6th it is quicker"

Driving along was this how it was going to be for a while "you and Murphy how long Liv?"

Her eyes straight ahead it was Cassidy all over again but worse "Nick it's no big deal"

Glancing at his partner he wondered how well he actually knew her "has it been a while?"

Turning to look at him briefly "the night of the Christmas party when he walked me home it started then, we haven't told 1PP or IAB yet not until we are sure that it will work out"

His eyes straight ahead on the road "that was a few of months ago now nearly 4 you still don't know if you want to go out with him"

What was she to say she wanted to be sure she was over Cassidy at first as she didn't want to be hurt again it was a casual thing but she knew it wasn't casual that they were becoming serious she had made her choice a month or more ago at the beach house. They were spending more and more time together "I do want to go out with him Nick but it isn't that easy, we will tell everyone when we are ready until then you need to respect our decision"

Arriving at the address "this could be your career Liv and his what if it was IAB or someone else who called this morning"

Opening the car door she wasn't ready to go public she thought she was a while ago but grateful they hadn't, she enjoyed his company and it was a serious relationship they were spending more and more time together "it wasn't"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo

Walking out of 1PP he had done it he had disclosed their relationship the only thing now was Olivia had to go before them. He had put it all in writing it was now up to them whether he stayed at SVU or was moved on.

He could feel their eyes upon him the whole time he was never a fan of Lt Tucker. Their working relationship so far wasn't affected nor had anyone guessed now only time would tell.

Walking into SVU the perp was already being taken to Central booking sitting at her desk, she wanted to ask Declan what happened all she got was a text from him saying he had been there and they needed to speak to her they would let her know.

Looking up as Lt Tucker walks in hearing Amanda's voice "what do you want?"

She knew what he wanted hearing Tucker's voice "nice to see you too Detective" turning to Olivia "Sergeant, can you follow and come with me"

She could feel Nick's eyes upon her "you'll be okay Liv if anyone leaves it will be Murphy"

Not looking at her team as she gets up off her seat following him out she could feel all eyes upon her

Watching as Olivia walks out Amanda turns to Nick "do you know what that is about Nick?"

Shaking his head he knew Liv didn't want them to know "Tucker just likes annoying people, it's probably nothing, or he wants our help again" how he hoped that was true, he still blamed Murphy for all of this

Nick knew something she was sure of it "If that was the case then they would of gone into Lt Murphy's office, IA just doesn't come and take people away for no reason, IA causes trouble, why isn't LT Murphy doing something about it"

Looking up at Amanda how he wished he could say because he caused it "it's probably nothing, Cassidy works with IA could be something to do with him"

Looking at Nick he was hiding something "You're a hopeless liar Nick, Cassidy and Liv have broken up, you know what it is don't you Nick, is Liv in trouble?"

Getting up off his seat his anger coming "Amanda just leave it, stop prying and trying to find out if Olivia wants to tell you she will" before storming out of the office

Turning to look at Fin her curiosity now there "don't look at me Rollins I know nothing"

Her eyes moving around the room "someone does and I bet Nick and Lt Murphy know and I bet I am right that she and him are in a relationship and IA has found out"

Shaking his head at his partner "Rollins you are getting out of control, all that betting you would probably lose"

Sitting at her desk looking at Olivia's desk before looking up at Fin "I don't think so, Do you really think Nick rang Olivia's phone instead of Murphy's yesterday like he said I bet Olivia answered his phone and IA has found out?"

Looking at his partner "he said he did, leave it Rollins" did he even want to think about that Olivia had gone 12 years without hooking up with Elliot their partnership was stronger than most marriages but Declan her boss would she even go there.

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Walking out of the room heading to the bathroom it was worse than she thought the questions fired at her, why did they try to make her feel like they were doing something wrong it hadn't affected their work. The personal details she had snapped a couple of times, it was really none of their business if they were sleeping together, how long they had been she hated her personal life being scrutinized so closely. Why was it they made her or tried to feel like a criminal when her crime was to start a relationship with a fellow officer admittedly one that is her superior just.

Pouring water over her face looking at her watch she had been in there for over an hour, in the end they had accepted what she said and she could stay at SVU as Sergeant but it would not be official until tomorrow, she still did not know what they were doing with Lt Murphy they both needed to go back tomorrow morning.

Running her hands over her face she now had to walk back into the Squad room knowing all eyes would be upon her.

Walking over to her desk she was right all eyes were upon her seeing Nick's concerned face "you ok Liv, do you want to talk?"

Shaking her head at him "no, I'll be fine"

He had been looking out through the blinds in his office for the past hour and a half waiting for her to come back, walking to the door "Sergeant a moment"

Getting slowly up off the seat walking towards his office closing the door behind her raising her eyes at him just looking at him

The smirk was obvious on Amanda's face

Seeing Olivia just look at him "how did it go Liv, I'm so sorry they have put your through all of this"

Moving around in his office "I get to stay at SVU I think" shaking her head "the questions they asked it was like my whole private life was under a microscope, we both need to go back tomorrow morning"

Walking closer to her reaching for her hand "Liv it's all just a formality it will be okay, the worse they will do is move me from SVU. We're done nothing wrong"


	9. Chapter 9 - Waiting and decisions

_**Thank you for all the reads and reviews favourites etc,**_

_**Hope you continue to enjoy it and please review it.**_

ooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Lying on the couch the TV on but she wasn't listening to what they were saying her mind going back to IAB she knew Brian wasn't able to interview her even if he was her ex boyfriend not now and probably not ever due to their history nor would he be able to be involved in any of this due to objectivity, not that it didn't stop him interviewing Amaro a while ago, which further damaged any hope of those two getting along.

She couldn't lose her position in SVU it is the only place she wanted to be, she had no idea if she could work anywhere else.

She knew Declan wanted to be with her tonight but she needed to be by herself to get some sleep just to be able to think, would she give up her relationship with him if she had to, is that what it would cost her to stay in SVU her happiness.

Pouring herself another glass of red wine, her phone beeping, opening it up the message from Declan short and sweet "_we'll be ok Liv, I'll see you tomorrow I am missing you here"_ a smile on her face she did miss him slightly but she needed to be alone replying back "_me too_" in a way she did miss him, feeling his arms around her, she enjoyed the company something she had gotten used to moving in with Brian it was nice coming home to someone, they hadn't moved in together but they spent nearly every night together either at her apartment or his.

Lying back on the couch, closing her eyes she needed to sleep to at least try to get something, maybe she should of let him come over, to keep her occupied, her face staring at the phone it wasn't too late. Shaking her head remembering half the time she couldn't sleep she knew Elliot wasn't either and they would catch up somewhere for a coffee they were so insync before he left without saying anything to her.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

She arrived at work early she couldn't sleep much, she saw Declan there too, knocking on his door "couldn't sleep either? any idea when we need to be at IA?"

Looking up at her the worry on her face "just wanted to get some work done, no I haven't heard yet" his eyes moving around "I did miss you last night"

Her eyes looking out to the bare office "yeah me too, I just needed to be alone"

Looking up at her he wondered if she did sleep "I understand, it is all just a formality Liv"

Nodding at him, walking towards her desk looking up as Amaro walks in giving him a small smile

Seeing Liv at her desk she was worried "you ok Liv"

Nodding at Amaro "yeah why"

His eyes looking around his voice low and soft "IA yesterday you were away for a while, what's going on here Liv, you know you can talk to me" his eyes turning to Lt Murphy's office "is it something to do with Murphy?"

Her eyes moving around the office "just leave it Nick"

Looking at his partner he couldn't just leave it "something is wrong here, did IA find out about you and Murphy, I swear Liv I haven't told anyone"

Her eyes moving from the paperwork to Nick "I know Nick" her tongue moving around her lips "I appreciate that I don't want them to find out"

Looking at his partner "that is what it is about though, you and Murphy are still going out"

Did she want to tell him "Yes"

She was nervous he could tell "yes to both or which one"

Shaking her head "Nick, just stop with the questions"

Seeing her head go back down "I'm worried for you Liv, is he really worth it you know IA they won't back down"

Taking a deep breath her voice with warning in it "Murphy told IA Nick, he went to IA and informed them and 1PP, now we have to wait so just leave it, back off pleae"

She couldn't concentrate who was she kidding getting here early she wasn't getting any work done and Nick constantly looking up at her "I'm getting a coffee, want one?"

Nodding at her "want some company"

Getting off the chair "no"

Watching from his desk through the blinds in his office as Olivia walks out of SVU he could tell she was worried, walking to the door looking at Amaro "Where is Sergeant Benson going?"

Looking up at Lt Murphy he still didn't like him "out to clear her head, she doesn't need anymore shit going on in her life"

Looking at Amaro his eyes going around the office "Detective Amaro My office"

Watching as Nick walks in, closing the door behind them "I understand that you are Sergeant Benson's partner but what she does in her personal life and outside work is up to her and nothing to do with you. Whilst you are concerned for her you need to stop overstepping the boundaries. I understand you have had your own marital and relationship problems"

Interrupting Murphy "I am not the only one, Liv has had her relationship problems and does not need anymore"

Moving back to his desk "Detective, you need to stop trying to protect her whilst I understand your need to with what she has been through, I am not going to hurt her"

His eyes glaring at the Lt "not intentionally but your relationship with her is going to hurt her and your career, whilst I don't particularly care about it hurting your career I do Liv's this is the only thing she wants to do and you are going to ruin it for her"

His eyes moving away from Nick frustrated "life is full of risks Detective and Olivia and I have discussed this and whilst I get you are concerned for her I am your superior, your commanding officer and the tension in this room has to stop, even if you don't want to admit it you are building up a tension between you and Sergeant Benson and if it comes down to it, I will break the two of you up if it affects your working relationship in any way. Stop trying to interfere in her working and personal life and concentrate on your working life and stop letting your personal life and marital problems interfere in your work"

Going to walk away "finished now Lt?"

Nodding at Nick he only hoped he had half listened to what he said "for the time being"

Walking out of Lt Murphy's office seeing Fin and Amanda walk in no matter what Lt Murphy said he was going to continue to look out for Olivia and he had no idea why but he didn't like her and him together for some reason he even preferred her with Cassidy

OOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

Walking back inside SVU the fresh air helped her mind for the short period of time, she knew she wasn't allowed out on any case this morning unless it was urgent walking inside handing Nick his coffee before knocking on Murphy's door, opening it up walking towards him handing him the coffee "heard anything yet?"

Looking up at her he could tell she was tired and worried "I was just about to call you, 10 am"

Nodding at him "ok then"

Watching as she is about to walk out "Sergeant" turning around to look at him "just a heads up I had a work with Detective Amaro"

Looking at Declan what did Amaro do now "what about?"

Looking up at Olivia he knew she cared about him and alot "he needs to learn to keep his personal life out of your life and work, I understand he has been your partner for 3 years and having marital problems but he needs to understand where the boundaries lie and I do not have to get any permission from him or anything for a relationship with you, he needs to keep out of it"

Nodding at Declan "I'll talk to him about it he's just worried about my job"

Watching as she goes to talk out "I get that Liv, but he is going too far"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo

Thankful that Amanda and Fin had gone out on a job, looking at her watch seeing Nick's eyes upon her "what time is IA coming?"

Looking up at Nick "10 am we have to meet them"

Looking at Olivia "you can appeal what ever decision they make Liv or "

She knew what he was going to say or stop having a relationship with him, would she do that was being in SVU more important than happiness that she had.

She couldn't concentrate on a thing even though Lt Tucker said her job was practically safe it was just she didn't trust IAB hearing footsteps coming into the room looking up at Lt Tucker a small smile on her face it was forced seeing his eyes on her as he makes his way into Lt Murphy's office.

Her eyes on the door before turning them back to her desk looking up at Nick his voice soft "Good luck Liv, I'm here if you need anything"

It seemed so long but in reality it wasn't before the door opened again seeing Lt Tucker standing at the door "Sergeant"

Nodding she had to walk confidently but the few steps it took to walk over to him felt so heavy. Walking into the office closing the door behind her "we're doing this here"

Nodding at Olivia pointing to the seat next to Declan, her hands clenching and unclenching in a way she wanted his hand holding hers something.

Looking up at Lt Tucker waiting for him to say something "We appreciate the honesty that lt Declan Murphy showed by coming forward and opening up about the relationship you two are in, it should have been disclosed earlier as you have been together for 4 months now"

Wanting to roll her eyes or say something she just bit her lip "as you both have been working together for 4 months or however long you have been going out together and successfully without anyone having an idea about your involvement IAB and 1PP have decided to let you both work still in special Victims together"

Letting out the air she had been holding her breath waiting her eyes moving sideways seeing Declan there, feeling his hand move over squeezing hers as she squeezes it back"

Looking at them both seeing their hands drop back into their laps "however there are certain terms and conditions that each of you must sign and abide by, if we find that our trust in you both has been broken or that you can no longer work together along with the other terms then one of you will be moved immediately from SVU, is that understood"

Looking at Declan and back at Tucker "what do you mean by certain terms and conditions, what are they?"

Handing them the paper "they are all written there, you can take them home and think about it but in brief, if you get engaged or married, then one or both of you have to leave, move in together" his eyes on Olivia "or if Sergeant Benson gets pregnant"

Her eyes open in surprise "basically if this goes any further then one of us is out of SVU"

Nodding at Olivia "depends upon how much further you want to go and if you want to move in with your new boyfriend Sergeant like you did with your Mickey of an ex boyfriend"

Her eyes narrowing not moving from him "the one that you have as a detective at IAB now Tucker, the one that you chose and asked to be"

"Didn't you hear the Mickey of an ex boyfriend has asked to go back to doing UC. Didn't he tell you that or don't you talk now that you've broken up"

Trying not to show her surprise "he always liked doing undercover work"

Looking back at Olivia "as long as he doesn't sleep with another prostitute he'll probably be given another chance, he should count himself lucky"

Letting out a sigh shaking her head "no doubt he wants to get away from you there's bad blood there"

Handing them both a piece of paper " go through it tonight I need them back and signed within 48 hours" seeing their hands close to each other "no displays of public affection within the work place or out on a job, as soon as you enter this building no physical contact what so ever. If all of these are abided by then both of you can stay at SVU"

Looking up at Tucker "I can do that for the time being basically you're saying to choose between this job at SVU or taking this any further"

Getting up off his seat looking at them both "you can take it that way, I'm just doing my job in protecting the NYPD"

Watching Tucker walk out of the office her eyes moving back to Declan "Liv we will work through it for the time being we are both able to work here until it goes further"

Nodding at him "yeah" rubbing her hand over her face "I just hate Tucker being the one to dictate our relationship"


	10. Chapter 10 - Choices

_**This chapter is slightly longer wanted to end it where it was **_

_**If you want updates go to my twitter page igothookedonbensidy suzywinn (name could change again) **_

_**Not sure how many chapters to go, the ending is due to things on twitter which got me thinking. **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo

Looking at the tickets in her hands "how did you get 1PP to let both of us have 4 days off"

The surprise on her face was worth it "I can be very persuasive you know"

Her eyes not moving from the tickets "I think I am seeing that, we leave next Friday for 4 nights"

Nodding at her "we fly out to Alaska Friday morning and board the boat in the afternoon, sail around the passage for 4 nights then fly home Tuesday night a whirlwind trip"

A smile on her face moving over to him flinging her arms around his neck "it is perfect, what about the team both us being away"

Finding her lips his voice soft "both on a convention for the weekend, thought you might like your birthday present"

"Let me show you how much "as her lips meet his becoming more passionate and feverent as they stumble to the bedroom.

Walking aboard the boat it was amazing the flight over looking out the window as he held her hand her head leaning against his shoulder at times. After landing catching a taxi to the terminal the boat not huge fitting about 100 people but it was still perfect for her she couldn't wait to go abroad.

The cabin had it's own balcony a king size bed and ensuite she had to keep pinching herself to make sure it wasn't a dream she had never been on anything like it before a trip to the Bahamas one Christmas with Brian but this was different it was amazing.

Opening the door the view amazing everything was amazing feeling Declan's arms around her waist leaning against him before turning around to face him " Thank you Dec it is incredible"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

Looking around the empty office Amanda looks at Fin and Amaro "you can't tell me that there is nothing going on with them, they are both away for 4 days together, the Sergeant and Lieutenant of SVU"

Looking up from his desk at Amanda and across at his partners empty desk "they are both at a work conference Rollins, back later tonight"

Looking at Nick, she was sure he knew more but was protective of his partner and despite him saying otherwise she was still sure she was right.

OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

The days had sped by cruising along the passage sitting outside watching it all, the views amazing everything about the cruise was amazing. Wandering down each morning for breakfast before spending the day relaxing, swimming hopping in the spa, or doing one of the many onboard activities, the nights made up of dinner before a show or listening to the pianist. The first night listening to the music before just making it back to the room before they tore each others clothes off the sex fast and furious. Some afternoons they would make the way back to their cabin and spend the afternoon making love to the lull of the water feeling Declan exploring her body giving into his needs the feel of his mouth upon her body his touch she wanted more and more some nights she couldn't get enough of him her body arching at his touch. The feel of the satin sheets on their naked skin as his hands caressed her soft skin. She didn't want to go back to reality she didn't' want the few days to end it was nice to get away from it all, her first proper holiday in a while.

Watching as the boat cruises back down a few hours to go before they arrive back and have to fly back to New York, the scenery incredible. Sitting down opposite Declan at the table sipping their drinks waiting for their lunch he seemed nervous

Reaching out for her hand looking up at her face "Liv, we're been together for 6 months now and I can't imagine my life without you in it. I know you want a family" looking down before looking back up at her "I was thinking that maybe we should start trying for a baby, I know it might take a while and be hard but it's something you want and I would love to have a child with you"

Her mouth open she didn't expect this from him, she didn't know what to expect "are you sure this is what you want"

Reaching for her other hand "yes, more than anything I would love to have a baby with you Liv, you would make a fantastic mother, I know it might not happen but if we need to try IVF to make it work then we will do that, we can have heaps of fun practicing and trying"

Her eyes wide it was what she wanted more than anything to have a child of her own, something that Brian didn't want was she ready for this, was their relationship strong enough her eyes moving up to meet his leaning across the table "we still have a few hours before we land to start practicing"

Watching Olivia pack the few things they had taken away with them, seeing her packet of the pill on the dressing table, picking it up "you won't need this anymore well not for a while" tossing it in the bin

Turning to look at him, she had to face reality "this might never happen, it takes a while after coming off the pill, my age too"

Moving over to her pulling her towards him "we'll take each step as it comes Liv, if it happens it is going to be so wonderful, if not we can try IVF a few times, I know you are in the older bracket but it can and does happen"

Feeling his lips on top of her head "I just don't want to get my hopes up, I did a while ago" looking up at him "I thought I was pregnant I had all this new life that could of happened, but it was a false alarm I took off having the test for a few days and those few days I imagined this whole different life"

Moving away from him packing up the rest of her stuff she can still remember nearly a year ago or longer those few days where she had hope then took the test she didn't feel the relief Brian did she felt disappointment.

Turning to look at Declan "I would love that to happen more than anything"

Moving over to Olivia reaching for her hands "I know, if you don't want to try for a baby Liv I do understand there is no pressure or anything"

Looking up at him, could she throw away trying for what she so badly wanted because she was scared, scared of getting her hopes up or wanting something so badly it didn't happen

Reaching out to stroke his cheek "I do want to try for one" feeling his lips upon hers.

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Closing the door inside the apartment she needed time to herself she needed to think walking into the bedroom tossing the suitcase on the floor walking over to the dressing table seeing the pill packet there picking it up holding it in her hands, did she want to try for a baby despite it being what she wanted more than anything in the world to become a mother did she want to bring a child into the world when she wasn't sure of the relationship she had with its father. She did like Declan but did she love him was she ready to make such a commitment to him how did she really feel. If she fell pregnant one of them would have to leave SVU

Putting her hands on the dressing room table looking at the mirror she was confused, confused about what she wanted was the relationship going to last is it what she really wanted. The thought of moving in with him scared her even though he hadn't come out and asked her she knew it was coming the next stop in their relationship but it was step she wasn't sure she wanted to take if she couldn't make that commitment how was she going to raise a child with him.

What if she fell pregnant straight away was she ready for the next step in this relationship it was still new to her

Walking out to the lounge turning on the TV her feet up looking around the only person she had ever wanted to move in with was Brian, previous boyfriends had asked but none she wanted to she had broken it off with them instead of becoming serious she was younger then. Would this be her last chance of happiness, her last chance of having a family she had a feeling Declan was falling in love with her did she love him or was she falling in love with him.

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Walking along the dimly lit street the moon casting shadow hand in hand she was enjoying this relationship the excitement that came with it, professional at work but the moment they were out of the office it was a different story they were becoming more of a couple now he would cook her breakfast or dinner, she would get take out spending many a weekend in bed exploring each other bodies the scars on her body hardly there a few left from the cigarette burns.

They were trying for a baby if it happened it was meant to be she couldn't give away the chance of her happiness she did enjoy being with Declan and if she was honest maybe she was falling in love with him she just wasn't ready to move in together not yet, one step at a time.

His arm around her waist "are you ready yet Liv to tell the team about us"

Stopping walk looking at him was she ready she doubted she would ever be ready "not really but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't in a way I would prefer them to guess but the gossip will be there one way or another and Amanda I think believes she already knows"

His arm linked through hers "a team dinner somewhere they can pick up what they want from that"

Leaning against his shoulder "sounds like a plan"

OOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

She was nervous was she ready for their relationship to become open, would she ever be ready the only reason after 10 months with Brian was that Nick and Munch turned up at his front door and she stupidly came out of the bedroom even after he said it was fine.

Here she was again this time it had been 7 ½ months they had kept it hidden but she knew that the rumours were there.

Looking at Olivia as they are walking along he could feel her nervous the tension there his arm protectively around her waist "it's going to be ok Liv"

Was it going to be ok, this was her personal life something she kept away from her work life it was one thing Nick knowing to everyone else knowing and walking in together, maybe if she was lucky no one would be there yet they would be the first

Arriving outside the restaurant stopping taking a deep breath looking up at Declan feeling his lips on her forehead "let's do this get it over with"

His hand moving from her waist down to holding her hand opening the door it isn't long before she sees them her hands are getting slightly sweaty feeling Declan squeeze her hand some reassurance she lets got off his hand as they walk inside seeing Amanda and Nick turning to face them was it too late did they see her holding his hand, her breathing increasing she needs to slow it down take a deep breath she can do this she can put one step in front of the other walking over to them.

Nick and Fin are there with her but Declan and Olivia yet to be seen "know what this dinner is about?"

Seeing them shake their head hearing Fin's voice "not going to knock back a free meal"

Looking around the restaurant waiting for the others to arrive before heading to the table "is anyone else coming?"

Seeing both of them shake their head before Fin replies "Melinda was asked she might come later but was held up with some job"

Turning to look at Fin "you and Melinda hey"

Shaking his head "you are getting out of control with your pairing Rollins"

Shrugging his comment off "you'll see that I'm right about liv and Murphy"

Her eyes moving towards the door seeing it open a smile on her face watching as Olivia and Declan walk towards her seeing Olivia freeze momentarily before continuing the grin on her face getting wider "told you those two were together"

Seeing all eyes upon her she couldn't hold his hand she knew Amanda saw it as the door was opened her eyes saying it all "hi guys"

Seeing Fin's eyes moving back from her to Declan trying to keep the smile on her face, his hand moving across her back "I'll get our reservation for us"

Seeing Amanda's eyes upon hers "I knew it, you and he were going out, how long has it been Liv"

Her eyes moving to Declan and back to Amanda "not that long, it's not big deal guys"

Seeing Fin walk up to her "if it makes you happy Liv, then go for it"

Feeling Declan's hand upon her back as they make their way through the restaurant his voice soft "that wasn't too bad"

The dinner wasn't as bad as she thought the conversation flowed freely and away from her talking about work and anything else, the night had gone quite quickly

Walking along to a bar no one wanting to go home yet, feeling him slip his hand into hers moving closer to him seeing Amanda watching them "so how long has it been?"

Looking at Amanda and back to Olivia "long enough to know I want to be with Liv"

Her glance going to Amanda she actually wanted to see her reaction "nearly 8 months"

Shaking her head "shit, that what IA was for"

Walking out of the pub a few hours later his arm around her waist turning to face her "it wasn't that bad was it"

Tilting her head sideways "ask me that tomorrow after work"

Pulling her towards him both arms around her waist looking down into her eyes "I'm falling in love with you Liv I can't help it"

Her eyes upon Declan her mouth open slightly she wanted to say the same but she couldn't the words wouldn't come out she couldn't speak

Seeing her standing there saying nothing "Sorry Liv, maybe I shouldn't of said anything but I am falling in love with you, I'm sorry if that scares you but it's how I feel"

Shaking her head slightly reaching out to touch his face "don't apologise Declan I really like you and want to be with you and I want to keep trying to have a baby with you"

She didn't need to say it but she wasn't in love with him was what she said enough for him though.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

Looking at Brian standing at the door it had been nearly 6 months since she last saw him there he was standing in front of her "what are you doing here Brian?"

Leaning against the door watching as she opens it "Can I come in"

Watching as she opens the door "I've missed you Liv I just wanted to see you"

Opening the door she could smell his breath "how much have you been drinking?"

Helping him over to the lounge "I'll get you a coffee"

Looking up at Olivia her caring face he had missed her so much "do you have any beers at all?"

Shaking her head walking into the kitchen "You're not having a beer I'll get you a coffee"

Walking into the kitchen watching Olivia making the coffee walking close to her, her back turned to his watching as the jug boils. Moving over to her moving the hair away from her neck his voice soft "I've missed you so much Liv I still want you and want to be with you"

Turning around her mouth open pushing his hands away "you can't just come back into my life and expect me to drop everything I have moved on I am seeing someone and in a relationship"

The rumours he had heard were true "what this Murphy guy is it serious so how are things between you and Murphy?"

Getting the cups out of the cupboard she should of known he would of heard "fine, it's none of your business, your interest in my personal life stopped when we broke up"

Walking out of the apartment looking around what was their apartment "if things are fine why isn't he here"

Turning to look at Brian "just because we are going out doesn't mean we're joined at the hip"

Watching her back turned to him "so it's just a casual hook up, does he want a family and kids with you Liv?"

Shaking her head why did he have to turn up why couldn't he just leave her be, unable to look at him "Brian just go don't do this"

Walking to the bookshelf picking up a photo of her and Declan the photo that used to be them turning his head to the kitchen "do you have a beer" putting the photo back down "what do you see in him?"

Her back turned to Brian she knew he had been drinking "I'm making you a coffee"

Seeing Olivia turn around with the coffee "what are you doing here Brian, what do you want?"

Getting the coffee off her "You know Liv, he's not the guy for you, sleep with him or fuck him, but don't marry him or have kids with him"

Her eyes narrowing how dare he "Get out Brian, I have no idea what you are doing here, you cannot just come in here telling me what I can or cannot do, you have no say in my life now we're over"

Sipping the coffee "you throwing me out of my own apartment"

Facing him shrugging "It's not our apartment anymore, I don't know what you are actually doing here"

Walking over to the lounge sitting down looking up at Brian seeing him still there watching as he walks over to the lounge sitting near her, putting the coffee on the table before putting his hand on her face "I've done a lot of thinking Liv whilst we have been apart" pulling a small box out of his pocket kneeling in front of her "Liv, I want to grow old with you, have kids and a family with you. I still love you so much and want to be part of your life not just now but forever, will you marry me?"

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo

_**How does Olivia react and what does she say to Brian**_

_**Who does she choose Brian or Declan Murphy and how does the other one react. **_


	11. Chapter 11 - Losing Control

_**Thanks for the reviews will not make you wait long for this chapter, only give you some answers and more questions but more coming along the way **_

_**If you want updates go to my twitter page igothookedonbensidy suzywinn (name could change again) and I will try to let you know on there. **_

_**If you like it please review it **_

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Pushing Cassidy away from her hard "what are you doing Brian, What are you trying to do to me"

Rubbing her hands over her face what was he trying to do "things change can't you get that into your head" turning away from him she can't think "how dare you come in here and ask me to marry you now" her voice rising into anger "its too late, get out get out now"

Pushing him to the front door closing the door behind him leaning against the door trying to control her breathing what was he trying to do to her she was moving on with her life a life without Brian in it her eyes moving around the apartment why was he doing it why now this is what she wanted for so long why did he have to come and ruin everything why was it part of her wanted to say yes to give them another chance.

Falling down against the door on the floor putting her head in her hands what was he trying to do to her did he actually mean any of it or was it all the alcohol talking.

Looking at the door shut behind him holding the ring in his hand, he had it for ages he was going to find the right moment he knew they were out of sync but he had gotten it a while before hand but never got around to proposing to her did he really think she would say yes he didn't know but instead she slammed the door in his face and kicked him out. He had realized too late how much he loved her and that what he said to Munch was right he didn't want to think about her not in his life, she was the first woman he had truly fallen in love with and again he couldn't get her out of his head no matter how hard he tried. He wanted her back in his life he had kept the ring in the hope they would get back together but she had made it clear how she felt there was no hope.

Walking away he would speak to Tucker and go on the undercover assignment again he didn't care how dangerous any of it was anymore she had made it perfectly clear that she didn't want him in her life

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

She tried to get Brian out of her mind to focus on the future a life with Murphy pushing Cassidy to the back of her mind. She had packed up the remaining things not that there was much of Brian's and put them in a box in the garage sending him a text message if he wanted them where they were.

She had kept his visit to herself not telling anyone not Nick, especially not Declan what had happened, she had withdrawn slightly from Declan for a few days his words unnerving her the one thing she had wanted he was now offering her.

She was trying to forget all about Cassidy and move on with Declan they were still trying for a baby despite her misgivings over it all it was what she wanted and deep down she knew they would both be great parents and given a chance over time she probably would love him, she was just cautious and that was fine with her.

Things were progressing nicely between them she was pushing Brian out of her mind and succeeding keeping herself busy with work and spending time with Declan she knew he wanted her to move in with him but she wasn't ready not yet, not spending time at work together and this, she wasn't ready to give up her spot at SVU and she wasn't sure she was ready to lose someone in command if she wanted that responsibility again.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Hanging up the phone his eyes moving out of the blinds to Olivia sitting at her desk her face etched in concentration could he tell her what he was just told knowing it could tear them apart, knowing that she could leave him go running back to him. Watching her through the blinds whatever way he went he knew he could lose her. By not telling her if she found out he knew she would leave him or never trust him again. He was falling in love with her and despite it all and her feelings for Cassidy he knew they were fading.

Could he do it risk losing her despite what she said he knew she would have to go, to be there for him it was who she was part of why he fell in love with her. They were finally working out as a couple starting to get serious. He had to put his position first over his feelings for her, he was told this did that mean he had to tell her.

Looking out at her she was so beautiful he couldn't let her go just yet he had to figure out what was more important Olivia or her job, either way he could lose her

He knew what he had to do even if it meant losing Olivia he knew what a huge part of honesty played with her, how much she tortured herself over the perjury of William Lewis at the trial the fact that he went on the rampage wanting her to apologise on national TV and whatever way it ended she would perjure herself again or go to jail. He couldn't do it to her he would rather risk losing her than not telling her this way he would know that she chose him over Cassidy and the hold he finally had on her was over.

Watching her through the window in the interrogation room he has to interrupt her, give her the chance to go to the hospital now. Knocking on the door and opening it "Sergeant a word"

Looking up from her perp, they had kept their relationship a secret for so long with only Nick finding out accidentally before making it public, walking to the door he looked serious, closing the door behind her "what's this about we were getting somewhere in there" her eyes upon him waiting to speak.

Seeing her look at him expectantly "Liv" knowing he had to continue "there is no easy way to tell you this, Cassidy was shot and bashed last night he is General Mercy Hospital"

Her mouth slightly open did she hear him right "shot, how why, is he going to be alright? This couldn't wait" was it serious that he had to take her out of the interview.

Looking at Olivia moving away slightly as much as she was trying to hide it he could see the worry there "he is in a critical condition they are not sure if he will make it"

Did she hear him right Cassidy thought he was invincible "what happened?"

Moving closer to her "he was working undercover, he was found this morning by the side of the road in a bad way, they are still investigating it, if he wakes up they will find out more, at the moment they are looking into it"

Nodding at Murphy "thanks for letting me know"

Looking at Olivia in surprise "want me to drive you to the hospital"

Shaking her head "I have to get back in there"

Watching Olivia walk back he was worried despite her not showing the reaction he expected he was worried she didn't show much, staying there watching her through the window.

Walking back into the room turning to Amaro "give me a minute with him" walking up to him her face close to him "you took her back to your apartment and raped her there" her voice rising "didn't you"

Walking out the door seeing Murphy standing there looking at him "what's going on here"

"wasn't it your call, she might get more out of him"

Watching Olivia closely should he be worried she got Amaro out of there his eyes not moving from the room.

Watching the smirk on his face moving his face closer to hers "prove it, you have nothing, otherwise you would of charged me by now"

Walking closer to him her face down to his wanting to wipe the smirk off his face hitting him over the head "you think I'm afraid of you"

His eyes on Olivia what was she doing, turning to Amaro "what was that, what is she doing?"

"trying to rile him up"

His eyes with worry not moving from her "she better rile herself down or I'm taking her out of there"

Moving closer to the guy squeezing his face "you held them at knife point"  
his eyes not moving from Olivia's "I get it you like the perverts it turns you on"

Her anger coming out slamming his head on the table "My game, new rules you bastard, you raped them didn't you" pulling the chair out from under him her voice rising "didn't you"

Watching him fall to the floor "right just admit it"

Watching Olivia lose it from outside running inside with Amaro pulling her away "that's enough, get off him"

Feeling Murphys' arms on her pulling her away, moving his arm roughly off hers "get off me" storming out

Looking at Olivia he had never seen her like this, his face full of concern as he follows her out of the interrogation room "what was that?"

Turning to look at Declan her "we got a confession didn't we" going to walk away

Watching Olivia even if she was his girlfriend he was in charge of SVU "Sergeant, we're not finished yet" watching as she walked away not even turning to look at him.

Hearing her name called out she didn't want to speak to him feeling his hand on her arm turning to face him her voice with anger in it "get your hands off me"

Looking at Olivia he knew the reason for this but he couldn't risk the squad "Sergeant My office NOW"

Rolling her eyes walking towards his office "close the door Sergeant"

Looking at her, her face showing nothing her mouth in a straight line "Go home now Liv or go to the hospital"

Looking at Declan she didn't want to go home or to the hospital "I'm fine I think I'll stay here"

Walking closer to her "that is an order Sergeant, you either go home or to the hospital I don't want to see you back here today"

Her face stubborn looking at him "I'll be better here at work"

"it's not negotiable"

Her face showing nothing as she looks at him "and if I don't"

He hated doing this to her but he couldn't have her working here not now "I'll have to make it official and put a note on your file, I don't want to do that Sergeant"

His voice softening walking to the other side of his desk "please go to the hospital and see Brian or go home I can't have you working here, don't come back here until you are ready"

Looking at Murphy her mouth slightly open "I'll be back tomorrow" slamming the door as she walks out of the room.

Walking to her desk picking up her coat seeing Nick look at her "what was that about Liv"

Picking up her bag she didn't want to talk about it to Nick or anyone "I'll see you tomorrow"

Looking at her he was worried about his partner "I'm talking about before Liv, what's going on?"

She didn't want to say it admit it out aloud that Brian could die, or that she wanted to keep busy to do anything than go to the hospital and see him she wanted to work not go home or anywhere. She couldn't admit that Brian was lying in hospital and the last thing she said to him after her proposed was to kick him out, that maybe it was her that sent him undercover again.

Walking out to where Olivia is watching her anger there he knew she wanted to work but he had to think of the squad and do what is right by her, he hadn't seen this side of her he wanted to help her but he was in charge of the squad and her. He knew 1PP and IA were keeping a close watch on their relationship and he had to do it all by the book maybe he should of waited until the end of her shift. Watching as she picks up her stuff the anger or something there as things are thrown on her desk "Olivia, I'll drive you"

Shaking her head she didn't want anyone around her she wanted to be by herself, the last person at the moment she wanted to see was him "I'm fine, I don't need you to do that"

Looking at Olivia he wanted to put his hand on her arm something instead he does nothing "Liv, you're not fine you're in shock I'm driving you to the hospital"

Shaking her head she didn't want him or anyone around "I'm fine I don't need you or anyone to drive me home or anywhere"

Walking out of the room she didn't want her boyfriend around her deep down she knew it might happen one day him being in charge pulling rank on her she wanted to be here and work she knew better than him what she was able to do but here she was him sending her home or to the hospital to be with Brian. She didn't want anyone around her not Nick and definitely not Declan she didn't want to be by herself to think but she didn't want anyone asking questions.

Watching Olivia go to walk out followed by Lt Murphy, concern in their eyes the look on her face, the anger they all had mainly seen her calm and in control not this way something was wrong, she had lost it nearly before over Lewis something had happened. Looking at his partner "Liv, what's going on here"

Seeing the concern on the team's faces he knows he needs to tell them all "Cassidy was shot and bashed last night he's in a critical condition the doctors aren't sure if he will pull through"

She couldn't look at them see their faces she needed to get out of there despite not wanting to go to the hospital she had to she knew that he would be there for her if she was the one, she needed to know that he was going to be ok.

Looking at Olivia and Murphy "I'll take her to the hospital"

Shaking his head at Amaro "I'll take her, I'll let you know when we hear"

Walking out with them away from the team turning to Murphy "do you really think you're the right person to be with her now"

Looking at Amaro and back at Olivia he knew he meant well "Go back inside Nick, I'll look after her, she will be ok"

Did he really want him to say it "I know you mean well Lt Murphy but I don't think you should be with her, her and Cassidy …"

Arriving near the car "Nick, I know all about her and Cassidy and her relationship, she shouldn't be by herself"

"of course you do, but what about your relationship with Olivia, that you're her boyfriend but think of Olivia do you really think that you being there with her will help her, she went out with him for 2 years, lived with him for 6 months"

Moving around to the drivers side "that is the reason I am going to be there for her boyfriend or not she will need someone, there is nothing stopping you coming by later on, but do you think you're the right person considering what you thought of him"

Looking up at them both she wanted to be by herself she didn't want to speak to Murphy or explain anything to either of them "I don't need either of you taking me, I'll catch a cab"

Watching as she hops in a taxi there was a look on her face he hadn't seen before, worry shock but the anger was there, she was angry about something was it him. He wanted to be there for her he didn't want her to be by herself but she had made her decision and they both needed to respect it.

Oooooooooooooooo

Standing at the door looking at Brian the machines surrounding him, bringing back memories of when she first kissed him the moment she realized that she wanted more riding in the ambulance when the machines went off that they were losing him the fear she thought then was like she was now.

Walking over to the bed he looked so fragile should she really be here, she knew if it was her he would be there holding her hand talking to her blinking back the tears she couldn't lose him.

Holding his hand stroking it "you've got to pull through Bri" he just had to her hand moving up to his face moving along his forehead she still loved him they might of broken up and she had been fighting the feelings but seeing him here now fighting for his life he couldn't die.

Looking up as a nurse walks in "he is going to be alright and pull through?"

Fiddling with the tubes "he is in a critical condition, he lost a lot of blood before he came in, he has swelling on the brain, he had a ruptured spleen. The next few days are critical for the moment he is stable but he is not out of the woods and still in a very critical condition"

Was this her fault did she push him into going undercover again he came over drunk wanting her back and she pushed him away, if she gave him a chance would he have gone undercover.

She didn't know how long she had been there for until the nurse walks in "I'm sorry visiting hours are over now"

She couldn't leave him not until she knew he was going to be ok, he was the first guy she had fallen really fallen in love with, the first guy she had lived with he had been a huge part of her life for so long "can I stay a bit longer"

Shaking her head "I'm sorry I've let you stay longer than I should"

Letting go of his hand turning to look at him he looked so tiny against it all.

Walking outside the hospital she didn't want to go back to the apartment the reminder of Brian she had moved on until all of this happened. Hearing her name called out looking up "what are you doing here?"

He had to drive to the hospital he needed to be there for as long as she was, he was sure she was going to need someone, Fin and Amaro had come, fin left but Amaro was staying, he was a loyal partner to Olivia

There she was walking out her eyes down he could tell that she wasn't okay, far from it that she wasn't coping he was right to send her home, calling out her name "Liv" seeing her eyes look up in confusion

Moving over to her wrapping his arms around her pulling her closer to him "I didn't want you here by yourself"

Looking at Olivia she was shaking "Liv, are you ok, how is Cassidy"

Shaking her head at Nick "no"

Moving away from Declan looking at both of them unable to hide the tears in her eyes pressing "he, he is just lying there, all these machines how could someone just leave him there to die, do that to him"

Looking up at Murphy her weakness going "do they have any leads, know who did this"

Shaking his head "they think he might have been made" stroking her head "let me take you home"

Walking along with his arm around her shoulder "can we go back to your place?"

Nodding at her he understood not that she needed him but she didn't want to go back to the reminder that was their place

OOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

_**Will Brian pull through and is Murphy and Olivia's relationship strong enough to survive it all. What causes Olivia to be so upset **_


	12. Chapter 12 - Wrong things

_**Thank you for the reviews, reads and favourites. **_

_**Hope you enjoy reading it **_

ooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Leaning against him on the couch his arms around her snuggled against him his hand running down her hand or stroking her face, was this her fault did she push him back into undercover she knew he enjoyed it was this her fault.

She might be lying next to him but he could tell she was far away, her thoughts were not with him he didn't have to guess where they were, it was a risk he knew when he told her.

Looking up at him she didn't want to sleep she wanted to forget what she saw forget that Brian could die her lips moving up to his as her arms wrap around his neck moving down onto her back pulling him down towards her, she didn't want to think.

Untangling her arms from around his neck "Liv, this isn't what you need tonight"

Looking up into his eyes her lips moving up towards hers "That's where you're wrong" her lips meeting his pulling his mouth towards hers the kissing intensifying as she pulls his body down towards her as she lies on the lounge.

Lying against Declan his arms around her waist her eyes moving around the room she managed to forget about Brian for the night it was what she needed they had sex like that before she just wanted more and more now here it was morning and she had to think again she had to face reality.

Feeling Olivia move away from his arms the previous night was amazing despite his concerns he gave into her she was persistent and she knew how to get him aroused, seeing her sitting up on the bed checking her phone "go to the hospital Liv, have the day off"

Getting up out of bed "I'm fine, I need to work"

Watching as she starts to get dressed "okay but if your mind isn't on the job I will be sending you home, no questions asked" walking around to her kissing the top of her head "I need you focused and you"

Nodding at him tightening her belt "understood" before walking over to kiss him "I'll see you at work"

Watching her walk out calling out to her "Liv, give me a minute and I'll drive you"

Shaking her head "it's fine, I want to walk, I'll see you tonight"

OOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Walking into the room seeing someone in the chair a small smile on her face "hello Evelyn"

Nodding up at Olivia she wondered if she would come "I'm sorry I will come back later"

Shaking her head she liked Olivia she had brought something out in Brian something that she wondered if he would ever find, he moved in with someone and had a commitment with her she was the first girlfriend he was serious with the first one that he really loved "stay Liv, I'm sure Brian would want you too"

Looking up at Evelyn "but we…. I'll leave"

Looking up at her she could tell she was worried and upset she knew they had broken up Brian had stayed with her a few nights before finding somewhere else to stay, she had met her many times before at family lunches/dinners "Olivia I know you and Brian have broken up but you're here now and you were a huge part of his life for a long while"

Watching as Olivia walks over to the other chair her eyes looking up at her the worry in them "any news on how he is? Any improvement?"

Shaking her head sadly "they will keep him in a coma for a few more days for the swelling on his brain to go down, his signs are stable but until the swelling goes down they won't know if there is any brain damage or brain activity there is"

Her eyes down blinking away the tears that are forming "I never meant for this to happen"

Looking up at Olivia she could tell that she still cared for her son deeply "this is not your fault Olivia whoever did this to him is the one who is at fault leaving him there to die. I wished he hadn't gone back to doing undercover work again I know he loved it but this assignment he knew was dangerous"

Nodding her eyes down she did blame herself "we had an argument the other day I felt like it was me who sent him there" looking up at his mother "I loved you son so much Evelyn I really wished things had worked out between us. I never thought things would get to the stage they would"

A sympathetic smile on her face "you were the first woman that Brian fell totally in love with, I have never heard him talk about someone like he did about you he loved you so much Olivia I wish you had worked things out as he was lost without you, he was a different person when you were in his life"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Knocking on the door of Murphy's apartment her key somewhere in the bag she had stayed at the hospital with Evelyn until she had to leave she was going back to wonder what things could have been like or what could have been it was too dangerous.

Surprise on his face as he opens the door "Liv"

"is it okay if I stay here tonight"

Nodding at his girlfriend "you don't need to ask I could of picked you up from the hospital"

Walking over to the fridge getting out the bottle of wine kept there, pouring herself a glass before topping it up again walking over to the lounge sitting next to him curling her knees up lying against him "have they found out anything about who did this to Brian?"

Shaking his head "It's still ongoing where his body was dumped there is no CCTV footage they are still going through everything. How's Cassidy doing? Any improvement in his condition"

Her arms draped across his chest "he is stable still, and still in a coma giving his brain a rest for the swelling to go down"

His hand stroking her arm as his head is pressed against hers "it seems we've hardly seen each other lately"

Her hand moving up to his chin stroking his cheek "I'm here now" before wrapping her arms around his neck, she didn't want to think she wanted to forget everything her mouth moving along to his ears nibbling his ears her hands under his shirt.

His eyes moving down to his girlfriend he wanted to be with her but the past two weeks it was like she only came over when she wanted to have sex with him, they hardly spoke on the phone, at work she was distant moving his mouth away from hers seeing the confusion in her eyes "I'm not sure this is what you need at the moment"

Shaking her head she didn't want to sleep "no what I need to do is have sex with my boyfriend, wild passionate sex that lasts all night" pulling his top up and over his head exposing his bare chest her hands and mouth moving around it before moving further down.

Her hands fiddling with the zipper and belt before pulling them down her eyes looking up at him before her mouth encases his cock.

Watching as he walks into the kitchen, she wanted to have sex with him fast and furious without feeling anything her eyes not moving from his as she takes her top off moving closer to him undoing the zipper on her pants watching as they slowly fall to the ground.

She could feel his eyes upon her as she walks over to him her arms wrapping around his waist her mouth nibble his ears.

Feeling his arms move around her, his mouth responding to her kisses, picking her up and putting her on the bench it is exactly what she wanted he was inside of her, turning around a while later her hands gripping the bench she could feel him thrusting faster and faster she didn't want to sleep she just wanted to be fucked all night.

Rolling over onto his side they had yet to get to sleep or even try, it was like she was on drugs or something all she wanted was to have sex rolling over to get her breath back and breathing under control before she was at it again.

"Liv you need to get some sleep, you can't go on like this you are going to wear out, you're spending all your time at work and the hospital"

Shaking her head "I can't sleep" she didn't want to sleep to have the image of Brian in her mind her rock during the aftermath of Lewis.

"Liv, I need some sleep we have work tomorrow"

Resting on her elbows "you'll still get some sleep Dec, I just want to have sex with you make love to my boyfriend"

Pushing her away gently "Liv at the moment you don't want a relationship you want a rent a root"

Looking at him slightly confused the anger there "What, where is this coming from, of course I want a relationship with you, do you think I'd be here otherwise"

Sitting up in bed "I think at the moment you just want sex and nothing else, the only time you come over is when you want to have sex, you don't call me, I understand you are spending a lot of time at the hospital Liv but what about us, the only time I get to see you is when you come over late at night, mostly then you don't want to talk but just want a fuck"

Watching her get out of the bed picking up her clothes "what are you doing Liv, where are you going?"

Her clothes in her hand walking out into the lounge room she couldn't trust herself to speak she was hurt and angry she couldn't open up to him about Brian, she wanted to be with him, she wanted to forget what happened the fact that she blamed herself for Brian being in this situation. She felt safe and secure here with him.

Walking out into the lounge watching as Olivia is nearly dressed "Liv, don't go I'm sorry but it seems each time you come over you don't want to talk just to have sex, I'm tired, I've missed you. Just come back to bed"

Pulling on her shoes turning to face him "I'll see you at work tomorrow"

Walking over to her touching her arm "Liv"

Flinging off his hand "don't touch me"

Turning at the door to face him "I do want a relationship with you it was more than just sex I wanted to be close to you I wanted to make love to you to be with you"

Watching the door slam shut all he can do is stare, how did it get to this he shouldn't of said anything, he knew she wasn't herself that Cassidy being shot and bashed affected her more than she would admit. Standing in his lounge room he did the hardest thing he let her leave he wanted to go after her but he knew it would only probably make matters worse. Walking back into the bedroom picking up his mobile phone "_Liv I'm sorry please let me know you've gotten home safely I'll see you tomorrow Dec"_

Opening the door to her apartment her eyes moving around even though all of Brian's stuff was gone the memories where still there when they first moved in together, the unpacking of the boxes finding places for everything, looking for some furniture to go in the apartment.

Opening the fridge it was empty nothing like it was at one stage with food in the fridge taking the bottle of wine over to the lounge she can't sleep putting her feet up on the lounge turning on the TV pouring herself one glass of wine after the other.

Looking at her phone the message from Declan he didn't even bother to come after her, he let her just leave despite it all she knew he would be worried typing the two words "_I'm home_"

Hearing his phone beep Liv popping up on the screen opening the message the message was brief and straight to the point, had he ruined the best thing that had happened to him, he had no idea why he said that to her in the heat of the moment that one sentence seems like had ruined the relationship, he knew it wasn't only that it was Brian Cassidy he felt threatened and jealous by the amount of time Olivia was spending with him, even if she did come back to his place some nights it wasn't intimacy she wanted it was only the sex. In the 10 months they had been going out, she had never really opened up to him she kept a lot of things to herself, she had been through a lot the past 18 months. He wanted to be with her, he loved her and nothing was going to change that his only hope was that once Cassidy started to recover that maybe they could put all of this behind them

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

Hurrying into SVU her Sergeant Olivia Benson was late for work, she had slept through her alarm it wasn't until her phone was ringing that she woke up. When she fell asleep she had no idea the empty bottles of wine surrounding the lounge gave her an idea it wasn't until late. The sunnies unable to hide her eyes the dark circles around them. The memories of the night before coming back to her as she hurried to work, the messages left on her voice mail by Nick and Lt Murphy both wondering where she was or if she was okay.

Seeing Nick look up at her as she puts her sunnies in her bag "you ok Liv"

Nodding walking over to the coffee machine rubbing her eyes coffee would help her. Seeing nick's eyes upon her as she sits down at her desk the worry in them "I'm fine Nick"

She wasn't fine her eyes were tired "How's Cassidy doing?"

Rubbing her hand through her hair "still in a coma, no change the swelling is going down though and the internal injuries are healing but it is still a waiting game to see maybe then we will get some answers as to who did this to him"

"with head injuries though he might not remember Liv"

Glaring at Nick "someone knows something"

Nodding at her "yeah but they are all too scared to talk and with no evidence, no CCTV or anything it's taking a while, there was so much blood there Liv that it is hard to see if it was all from Cassidy or not. I want to catch the bastards who did this too him too IA isn't giving too much away"

Getting up off the chair "We will just have to find out as much as we can ourselves someone out there knows something and I am going to find out who"

He had waited for Olivia to come in all morning, his text message and phone call unanswered he was starting to get worried before he saw her walk in, opening the door "Sergeant a word"

Looking up at Declan she didn't want to talk to him now she knew they had to talk but not at the moment "we've got a job come in, I'll talk to you later"

Watching her grab her jacket as Nick follows her out, he can't blame her for being mad at him still they needed to talk and probably later he wanted to say he was sorry he stuffed things up.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo

_**I have the final chapters written or might continue it. **_

_**Will Cassidy wake up and what happens if he does**_

_**Will Olivia forgive Murphy or walk away from the relationship **_


	13. Chapter 13 - second thoughts

_**Thank you everyone for the reviews, follows **_

_**Hope you continue to enjoy it **_

_**A/N I have no idea what Brian's mother's name is searched and found nothing so made a name up if anyone knows her real name that would be great only heard Mrs Cassidy that once (prefer another Mrs Cassidy though **____**) **_

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Glancing at Murphy standing at the door and Olivia's retreating back without a second glance at him, was there trouble in paradise "everything ok Liv"

Not even looking at him "I wish people would stop asking me that I'm not going to break each time something happens, I wish people would stop treating me like I am broken" turning to face Nick "I am not going to fall apart if something happens there are ups and downs shit happens I have come through some horrific stuff and I am still here. Just treat me normally. Going out with Declan does not interfere with my work, I am ok"

"You and Murphy"

Tossing the car keys at him "just drive Nick"

Looking at Olivia staring straight ahead deep in thought "I'm here Liv if you want to talk"

Glancing at Nick a smile on her face "thanks it's fine"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo

She hadn't seen Dr Lindstrom in months now the nightmares had stopped she was confused and when she was confused or stressed she had them again, the last night wasn't as bad as they were but again she had them again but this time she had Brian saving her.

Her relationship with Declan was in tatters she didn't even know if she wanted to repair it or was there any truth in what he said. He had wanted to talk to her, she had been avoiding him she didn't want to face the fact that another relationship had failed or was failing. Deep down she knew she had to talk to him sort this mess out and that she had been avoiding talking to him to admit that Brian in hospital had shaken her and brought out feelings she had suppressed. Her mind was on Brian the thought that not only she could lose him but what if he woke up with brain damage or wasn't himself it was her fault he took the job.

Waiting for Dr Lindstrom she needed to figure stuff out could he actually help her figure out what she wanted, did she know what she wanted.

"Olivia it's been a while have your nightmares come back, has something happened?"

Looking at him and around the room she couldn't speak for a while "I think there's something wrong with me."

She can see him looking at her, could he see the worry in her eyes "Why? Are you feeling sick"

Shaking her head "No nothing like that, it's Declan I mean, he's really trying hard through all of this, and he's really good in bed. But I just keep pushing him away"

Looking at her hands fiddling in her lap "Well, maybe it's your subconscious She's telling you to keep away from cops, look at Cassidy you didn't think he was ready to take it to the next level and now this, or maybe as he is your superior"

Deep in thought "Yeah that could be it I think you might be right but then Declan wanted to take it further he wanted us to try for a baby"

"what's stopping you Olivia isn't that what you wanted, why you stopped seeing Brian"

Her eyes down nodding was there anything stopping her "yes for a while I thought I was but someone asked if I really did love him I wouldn't question if I did I would know, is it right to bring a baby into the world when the two parents don't love each other, would I fall in love with him because of it"

He could tell she wasn't totally opening up "is there something questioning your relationship with Declan now, did something happen Olivia?"

Closing her eyes she could see him lying there still "Brian was shot and bashed about two week ago and in a coma in the hospital" looking up at him "he came to my apartment a few weeks ago just before he went undercover" fiddling with her hands "he asked me to marry him just like that out of the blue"

Rubbing her hands over her eyes "I told him to get out. It was what I wanted from him for so long. Declan he…" the pain still there from his words "he…." Shaking her head "I've spent so much time at the hospital that I haven't seen him as much when I do, I just want to forget about everything that has happened. I thought I was over Brian he was out of my life now and I was moving on but all of this wondering if he was going to make it if he was going to pull through"

Glancing at Olivia deep in thought "you mightn't be over Brian like you think you are, him being in hospital has bought back memories for you, the thought of you losing him has started to make you question and re-evaluate your life again. Maybe you need to reassess everything like you did after William Lewis"

Shaking her head "this is nothing like Lewis"

"Things happen Olivia and we learn from them, it sounds like you are having second thoughts about your relationship with Declan and your feelings for Brian maybe you need to talk to both of them"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

Walking into the room seeing Brian sitting up on the bed relief in her eyes that he was going to be ok, seeing his eyes move to hers not showing any emotion nothing

Moving over to the bed reaching for his hand holding it in hers, feeling him pull away biting her lip "how are you feeling"

Looking up at Olivia she made herself pretty clear before he went undercover "what are you doing here?"

Moving away slightly from him "I wanted to see how you were, I was worried"

Looking up his eyes still showing nothing "I'm fine so you don't need to come back Olivia"

Blinking back the tears that were threatening to form he sounded so formal and cold he never called her by her full name she can't even remember the last time he called her that, all she wanted was for her to call her Liv. Turning to walk away "I'm sorry Brian"

Looking up at her "you always are Olivia you're always sorry for what you've done it's always on your terms and conditions, this time I don't care"

Turning around to look at him "that's not fair Brian"

"Life's not fair you don't have the right to come here after you kicked me out, everything is always what you want you wanted to break up I said we were out of sync, you never opened up to me about Lewis it wasn't about protecting me it was all about protecting yourself I wanted to work it out I never wanted to break up but it is what you wanted so I went along with it, I gave you the apartment I did everything that you wanted, you never gave us a chance to fix it"

Tears forming in her eyes "I thought it was what you wanted too you said you didn't see yourself growing old"

"I mightn't off seen myself growing old but I could see myself with you, I wanted to talk about it and work it out you just took control of it all"

"I'm sorry I thought it was what we both wanted, I don't want to fight with you, I just wanted to see how you were I won't come back"

Blinking back the tears that were forming hearing his voice "Fine with me Olivia"

Walking out the door down the corridor the tears coming to her eyes walking outside away from everyone the tears coming in force she had pushed him away she had kicked him out of the house a few weeks ago now he wanted nothing to do with her for a moment all she wanted was for him to call her Liv instead he wanted nothing to do with her he had given up her and wanted nothing more to do with her she couldn't even say goodbye to him properly.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo

Feeling his mothers eyes upon him "don't say anything mum"

Looking at Brian he had never heard him so cold towards her "she visited every day Brian, stayed, held your hand talked to you, she is still in love with you and I know you still love her how could you be so cruel to her"

His eyes staring straight ahead he did still love her but he poured his heart out to her and she stomped on it the final time "I'm over given Liv chances, I've given her too many and I can't do it anymore she made the decision to break up that it was over why should I give her another chance to do it again I was the one who wanted to work it out she was the one who couldn't open up"

Looking at her son lying in the bed she could tell that he still loved Olivia she was the one woman that he had fallen totally in love with "from what I heard love she went through an awful four days with this man what she must have been through she wouldn't want to relive it and as hard as it is for you opening up describing what he did to her would you want that in your mind the emotional scars were with her for ages, even if you didn't tell me what happened I could of guessed from just seeing her"

Looking up at his mother "not knowing was just as bad, the images I already had in my head of what he did to the previous girls, torturing them, raping them I know he didn't rape her the test came back negative on that one and seeing the physical scars on her I could only imagine is that worse than actually knowing? She made the decisions about everything she went through the worse imaginable time of her life with that and the trial and I could only go to a few days of it, Lewis had a strong hold over her and I was there for her every step of the way when she pushed me away the nightmares, it was then I realized I couldn't imagine my life without her in it but I am not giving her the chance to do it all over again"

She could see the love and fear in his eyes "now you do Brian, even if it means a chance with her again I gather you were hurt by her but she has been at the hospital every day visiting you I could see how much you mean to her, why not give her another chance love. You have never stopped loving her even in the year apart I can see it in your eyes"

Turning to face his mother "I asked her to marry me mum, she kicked me out of the apartment does that sound like someone who loves me, wants to be with me"

Trying to hide the surprise she never though Brian Cassidy would propose she had always hoped he would to Olivia "did she give a reason why she said no"

Trying to move up a bit on the bed "I'm not going there again she made herself pretty clear how she felt I should of learnt 16 years ago"

Her eyes moving away from her son "doesn't it show something love, that 16 years on you still love her, can't you try to work this out"

Tilting his head sideways the pain evident when he moved "she's going out with her boss at SVU, so much for not getting involved with co workers, she's moved on mum and that is what I am doing"

Seeing the pain on his face "she might be going out with someone love but I am not sure she is in love with him she never really talked about her boyfriend in the days we sat here, just proposing love was no doubt a surprise to her"

Turning to face his mother "that doesn't mean anything mum, I doubt she would talk about her current boyfriend with her ex boyfriend's mother whilst he is lying in hospital. They're trying to have a baby does that sound like someone who isn't in love or wants to get back with her ex, I have to face reality mum that Olivia has moved on and it's time for me to move on and realize that I have lost the best thing that happened to me. That I realized too late that I would love a family and grow old with her" his voice filling with anger "she took that choice from me, she thought she knew best we were growing out of sync she never once, not once opened up about what happened with Lewis she went through this horrible unimaginable ordeal and all I could do is guess what happened to her, hold her whilst she had these nightmares night after night, imagine what that beast did to her for 4 days, I heard bits in court not knowing was worse than knowing I get she didn't want me to think any less of her but the images that are in my head she pushed me away. I am so in love with her mum but she kept thinking she knew best and didn't give me a chance. I'm better off without her"

Looking at Brian "Love you're hurting now all of this just proves how much you do love her, don't push her away now she is reaching out to you, maybe this boyfriend is her chance to have a child if you want to have kids with her and grow old with her tell her, don't let her get away from you. Tell her how you feel you may get hurt again and that is a risk you need to take but you'll never know if you don't talk to her. Don't let her get away again Brian fight for her, fight for what you want. The Brian Cassidy I know wouldn't let Olivia get away without giving it everything he had. She chose you 3 years ago and moved in with you I saw how happy you two were together, it might take a while to get back there but if you give up now I know you will regret it"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo'

She had walked into a bar she didn't want to go back to the apartment the memories that it would bring up of Brian it hurt he pushed her away for the final time he made it clear he never wanted to see her again. She had been so worried for the weeks he was in the coma the relief she felt when he had come out of it the thought of never seeing him again was too painful to think about but here it was not for the reason she thought but he had told her to get lost to never contact him again.

Tapping the bar another glass of red poured she wanted to forget everything forget the fact she had a boyfriend did she still have one, she hadn't even talked to Declan yet, forget the thoughts that kept going through her mind, forget the fact that the man she truly loved wanted nothing to do with her.

Hearing her phone beep it would probably be Declan wondering where she was, she didn't want to be with him not tonight deep down she knew what she had to do, but she didn't want to admit it, they were trying for a baby but was it the right thing to do she knew if she fell pregnant she would stay with him try to become a family but was it what she really wanted, she needed to be honest with herself but it was hard she had done it before because Brian and her weren't on the same page so she thought, now Declan wanted what she wanted but was it enough.

Opening up the message surprise on her face the message from Evelyn replying back briefly wondering what she wanted, had something happened to Brian shaking her head no, if it did she would call her not want to meet with her.

OOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Looking around it isn't long before she spots Olivia in the corner both even from a distance the smile plastered on her face she could tell she wasn't herself her eyes were slightly red, she had been drinking "you ok dear"

Nodding at her she couldn't tell her the truth or anything "is Brian alright, did he take another turn?"

Reaching out for her hand seeing the worry in her eyes "No Liv, Brian is recovering it is you I'm worried about. I'm sorry for the way Brian treated you"

Shaking her head "he's been through a lot and I know I hurt him I don't blame him for what he said"

Reaching out for her hand "you are a too good woman Olivia, would you give Brian another chance he didn't mean those things he said to you, come back to the hospital and visit him again I know he would really like it"

"he made it pretty clear that he didn't want to see me again" she could still remember how hurt she was by the words he said "maybe he was right we both need to move on. I already have a boyfriend Evelyn I should of told you that earlier"

Her face looking at Olivia "you don't love him do you dear"

Biting her lips did she love Declan "I don't know I wish I could answer that but I can't it's a question I've been asking myself for a while now. We're been trying for a baby and I like being with him"

Seeing Olivia's head down "if you really did love him Liv, you wouldn't even need to ask yourself, that the question would answer itself and you wouldn't even have to think about it. How long have you been going out for?"

"coming up to a year" brushing her eyes she could feel the tears forming looking at Evelyn "It's not like what I had with Brian I don't think any relationship would be like that and I can't keep comparing the relationships I have to that. Brian was the first guy that I moved in with the first guy I truly loved my first serious relationship I can't keep hanging onto that I need to move forward and on which I am trying to do"

Reaching out touching Olivia's hand "what if Brian gave you the family you wanted"

Looking into Evelyn's eyes "I did what I thought was best for both of us, I didn't want Brian to be unhappy and I made a hard decision to let him go we wanted different things, I will always love your son Evelyn it wasn't an easy decision to make"

"please Olivia go and talk to Brian I know you still love him just as I know he still loves and wants you. He told me he proposed to you that is something I never thought I'd see my son do. You changed him into a better person one who was not afraid to show his feelings, you are the first person he has actually fallen in love with and wants to be with just speak to him is all I am asking"

Putting some money on the table "Sorry Evelyn I need to go I can't promise you anything I'll see what I can do. Take care"

Walking out of there was there a chance that they could be together was either of them willing to give it a go.

ooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

_**Will Olivia go back to Brian or will she try to fix her relationship with Declan Murphy **_

_**Will Brian forgive her. **_


	14. Chapter 14 - Reunited

_**Thank you for the reviews and favourites. **_

_**Only a couple of chapters to go unless you want more, this was going to be the last chapter but there could be one more. **_

_**Must admit I loved writing this chapter was one of the easiest. **_

_**Hope you enjoy it **_

_**The other one will be up hopefully tomorrow just a few adjustments for those reading the Bensidy one won't keep you waiting too much longer. **_

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo

Standing in the door way of the room she had walked around and ended up here seeing Evelyn look up at her smiling "I'm just going to the cafeteria"

His eyes moving to the door way seeing Olivia standing there her hair flowing down to her shoulders not moving from the door "just going to stand there Liv"

That one word was all she needed Liv, not Olivia no formality to it the name he had always called her since they first met even when he was annoyed at her all those years ago it was still Liv never Olivia walking over towards the bed hesitating at the foot "I'm not going to bite you Liv you can come closer"

Moving over sitting on the edge of the bed reaching for his hand her eyes looking into his "I'm sorry Brian"

Looking up into her eyes "I think we are both sorry here Liv, I never should of barged into your place that time and the way I treated you the other day"

Stroking his face "we both hurt each other Brian and I am sorry I never meant to hurt you not now or all those years ago when I treated you badly. We both haven't handled any of this well"

Looking into his eyes this was the man she was in love with and had never stop loving putting her hand on his shoulder moving her mouth down to find his the kiss soft and gentle.

Feeling Olivia's mouth on his her eyes looking into his a small smile on his face "that was nice"

it bought back memories to when they got together "you know I can't resist a guy in a hospital bed I couldn't 3 years ago and I can't now"

Smiling up at Olivia he wasn't going to get his hopes up again "Okay Florence Nightingale"

Watching him move his face showing some pain "did you mean what you said Bri, did you want a family and to grow old with me"

Reaching for her hand his other hand moving up to touch her cheek nodding "being apart from you babe made me realize a few things I had to imagine my life without you in it, and I hated it. I saw families and children everywhere and it made me realize what I was missing. I love you so much Liv and I want to try to work things out"

Her mouth moving down to his the kiss soft and gentle at first before becoming harder moving her mouth away slightly from his "I haven't stopped loving you Brian"

looking into her eyes "me neither Liv I think I will always love you"

Putting her hands on his sitting up on the bed looking up at the door seeing his mother there "don't let me interrupt you, I'll come back later"

Smiling at her mouthing "thank you" turning back to hold his hand she now had the hard part she had to speak to Declan

As if reading her mind "what about you and Murphy Liv"

Tilting her head sideways "I have to tell him I don't think he'll be surprised but before this goes anywhere I do need to speak to him"

Moving over to the chair holding his hand or stroking his forehead she had never loved anyone the way she loved Brian "when do they think you will be able to get out of here"

Turning to face her "be a few days or so yet, I need another CT scan to ensure the swelling has all gone down and the internal injuries and swelling has gone. I hope they find the bastards to repay them"

Moving the chair closer to him "do you want to move back into the apartment"

Trying to sit up on the bed the pain of moving "I'd love nothing more than that Liv, but for this to work properly this time maybe we should take it slowly, we both put our work in front of our relationship towards the end whatever happens we need to make time for ourselves"

Reaching for her hand "The doctors don't want me to be myself I need some care and I can't put that on you"

Trying not to show the disappointment she knew he was right her hands on his arm "you took care of me Bri after Lewis you got me through all those nightmares even when I tried not to wake you up, you always woke up holding me making sure I was ok even when I pushed you away. I want to do the same for you"

Shaking his head "I did all those things because I loved you I couldn't let you go through that all by yourself. I can't let you do that Liv, we are only just getting back together I don't want to put that pressure on you. The doctors have no idea what damage has taken place, what my memory will be like if or when I can return back to work. The tests are all looking positive, I want to be with you so much babe"

His hand touching her face "I want more than the odd hook up Liv I want this to work this time, and if that means taking it slowly then that is what we will do, I want to be with you I don't want to imagine you not in my life anymore. I want to live with you, to wake up next to you every morning, to make love with you. That first time I get to hold you again I won't be able to get enough of you. If you want I will move back in straight away with you but I think we should take it slowly at first"

Leaning over to kiss him "You can move in whenever you want Bri, I don't mind taking care of you"

Pushing the hair away from her eyes "I know you don't babe that is who you are"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo

Walking into SVU she knew she had to talk to Murphy she had put it off for days, even before her and Brian agreed to give their relationship another chance she knew she had to tell Murphy when he pushed her away it was then she realized she was not over Brian and it was not fair to try to have a child with someone yet. Evelyn was right if she was in love with him she wouldn't have to think about it, she wouldn't be having doubts about it she would know. She had a few doubts when Brian and her agreed to move in together if their relationship would survive but she didn't have any doubts about how much she wanted to be with him, it was a perfect fit coming home to him each night.

Seeing the team's eyes on her as she walks in a smile on her face hearing Rollins voice "how's Cassidy doing?"

"he's doing well, he still has to stay in hospital for a few days or week but he's on the road to recovery and is stable and improving, still needs more tests and probably off work for a while before he is given the clear to go back but he's going to make it"

He could tell Olivia was relieved "that's great news Liv, give him our best"

Turning to face Fin nodding "I will"

Watching Olivia walk into the squad room for the first time in a while she had a spring in her step, a sparkle back in her eye watching as she sits down opposite him smiling up at her "good to see you happy again Liv"

Smiling up at Nick she was happy glancing at Lt Murphy's office she knew she had to face him she couldn't put it off any longer not here or now.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

Sitting on the edge of the bed one hand on his shoulder the other stroking his forehead their eyes not moving from each other "I can't stay long …. I can't wait for you to get out of here I've missed you"

Tilting his head sideways he can never get enough of looking at her "me too babe, I can't wait to hold you again to feel your body next to mine"

His eyes moving to the door before back at Olivia's "Lt Tucker" trying to sit up on the bed

Closing her eyes "shit" sighing before turning around moving off the bed "Tucker, any news on who did this"

She could feel his eyes on them both the only relief she felt was it wasn't Murphy or any of the SVU squad. Nodding at Brian "I'll see you later" before turning to Tucker her eyes looking up at him searching his for something, she knew he saw her on the bed her hands on Brian and she knew he knew about her relationship with Declan.

Going to walk out of the room hearing Tucker's voice "Moving back to your ex Cassidy now Sergeant, wasn't it that long ago that you disclosed your relationship with Murphy now your back with you Mickey of an ex boyfriend made up your mind yet"

Rolling her eyes at him a sigh escaping "maybe you should look after your undercovers better Lt Tucker, you mightn't be so lucky next time"

His eyes not leaving Olivia she had the same reaction as when Amaro and Munch caught her the first time at his apartment when they became public "Thanks for stopping by Liv"

Walking out of Cassidy's room wanting to bang her head against the wall, she had to talk to Declan and tonight she couldn't leave it any longer not that Tucker knew or thought he knew something.

OOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

Hurrying to the restaurant, she was running late she had quickly dropped into the hospital which turned out not to be that quick, she didn't want to leave Brian she could still feel the touch of his lips against hers. She hated the thought of Tucker seeing them together but she wasn't going to let him go not now not ever.

There he was standing against the street pole waiting for her "Sorry I'm late got stuck in traffic"

Smiling at her as they walk along "what's happening here Liv"

Her hands in her pocket "what do you mean"

Stopping turning to face her "this, us I hardly get to see you anymore, you're either at the hospital even at work you are avoiding me. Whatever is going on Liv I can take it we're drifting apart. I'm sorry for what happened the other night I've been wanting to talk about it but it seems like you've been avoiding it"

Looking up at him "You helped me through a difficult time Dec, when I had given up on relationships of finding someone you came along" her eyes down before looking up at him "I think maybe there is something more right for us, I know we've been trying for a baby but if I am honest with you I'm don't think the relationship is ready for that. You said you love me and I can't say it back I wish I could and I have thought about it so much wondering if I did love you, but if I did I wouldn't have to wonder I would know"

Linking her arm through his as they continue "I'm sorry Declan I do think about having a family and kids but….."

She didn't need to say it "you thought about it with Cassidy not me"

Her eyes moving around before going straight ahead stopping facing him touching his face "I did and I thought he didn't want that but spending time at the hospital with him thinking I was going to lose him all those feelings came back"

Looking into her eyes there was something there something he hadn't seen much during their whole time together "you're going back to him'

Tears forming in her eyes nodding "yes we're going to give it another chance, I'm so sorry Declan I never meant to lead you on or hurt you. I really enjoyed our time together and spending it with you, I wish things had turned out differently as you are a wonderful guy and deserve someone who really does love you but that isn't me"

Reaching up kissing his cheek before rubbing it "I didn't want someone coming into SVU taking over but as we did I am glad it was you"

Looking at Olivia her eyes filled with tears "if I have to be honest with myself Liv part of me always knew you would end back with him, I didn't want to admit it but telling you he was in hospital there was a huge part of me knew that this would bring you together. There was something holding you back. He is a very lucky guy to have you I hope he knows that"

A small smile on her face "I'm the lucky one Declan for him giving me another chance. I tried and hoped but I never stopped loving him but I don't regret anything that happened between us and any woman is lucky to have you as their boyfriend and if I wasn't in love with Brian I would of loved to have kids with you"

Watching as she is about to leave "Liv, are you and Brian already started going out ….."

Biting her lips shaking her head "Not yet, I'd never do that to you until I had spoken to you, Bri knows that"

Watching Olivia walk away out of his life work wouldn't be the same would he be able to see her each day knowing she now was with someone else the one guy who she really loved the one that he had known deep down that one day she would go back to him. Not being able to hold her, make love to her or kiss her again knowing that someone else is doing that to her

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

Sneaking into his room standing at the foot of the bed watching him lie in bed the small snores coming from him he looked so cute and innocent just lying there.

Opening his eyes a smile coming to his face "what are you doing here?"

Shrugging "listening to you snore, forgot that about you"

Tilting his head sideways "I'm not the one who snores here Liv"

Nodding her head at him as she walks over to the bed "yeah you are"

Looking around the room as she walks to the bed "how did you get in visiting times were over a while ago"

Putting her hand on his shoulder "I'm very persuasive you know"

Raising his eyebrows at her pushing himself to sit up on the bed "really going to show me how persuasive?"

Tilting her head sideways looking at him "once you are out of this hospital bed I'll show you my powers of persuasion until then" leaning down towards him her fingers gently brushing his lips before moving her lips down towards him the kiss gentle.

Moving her mouth away slightly her hand stroking his forehead "I met up with Declan tonight"

Moving his head to look at her his hand coming up touching her cheek "and….. "

Smiling at him her hand running down his arm "I spoke to him and told him"

His eyes not moving from hers "does that mean what I think it does then"

Nodding at Brian the love in both of their eyes "yes just need you out of this hospital bed"

Reaching out touching her cheek his fingers moving around her lips "I love you Liv so much"

Her head on the side holding his hand "I love you too Brian, always will"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo

_**After things on twitter and rewatching Bensidy I couldn't have them apart they belong together and would love Brian to come back. **_


	15. Chapter 15 - Together Forever

_**Thank you for the reviews, I am a huge Bensidy fan and even though I tried to write Olivia with someone else I couldn't her and Brian belong together even though I think her and Murphy would be good, just couldn't do it**_

_**This is probably the last chapter it is longer than I thought as I added Bensidy to it, she was originally choosing Declan over Brian and Brian was out of her life but who knows Battle Creek could fail (not that I wish Dean bad luck) **_

_**Hope you enjoy this and thank you all who reviewed it. **_

oooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO

Walking around the apartment a smile on her face Brian was being discharged the following day, she would love him to come back here but they needed to take it slowly she had to earn his trust back, she knew he was hesitant as he didn't want to get hurt by her again and she had pushed him away too many times.

Taking a final look around all of Declan's things in a box was this what their relationship mounted too, he had a few things there and she had a few things at his place, she wanted to start with Brian with a clean slate no evidence of her previous relationship, she had put the photo back up of the two of them together.

Knocking on the door would he be home, maybe she should of called before just coming around unannounced.

Seeing Olivia at the door her hair swept back in a pony tail, seeing her standing in front of him the nervousness in her eyes the smile on her face, that smile that always got to him "do you want to come in"

Nodding at Declan she was nervous he had tried to give her everything she had wanted and she threw it all back at him by getting back with Brian he had taken her away to places she had never been, whisked her away for weekends , her birthday yet it wasn't enough for her she just wasn't in love with him, she tried to make it work and thought that she had chosen him but her love for Brian was too strong she couldn't put the feelings behind her.

Putting the box on the table "I thought you might want these things back"

He knew what they were, she was taking all of his things out of her place, he knew what it meant and it still hurt "you could of thrown them away Liv"

Shaking her head "I couldn't do that"

Biting her lip she used to feel so at home here, lying on the lounge cuddled up to him "I'll see you at work"

Nodding was this how it was going to be between them now, the awkwardness there "Liv" watching as she turned around "did you want a coffee or glass of wine?"

"I'm sorry Declan, I have to go, I have to get…"

Nodding "to the hospital"

Nodding at him with the apologetic look on her face "sorry, visiting hours finish soon"

"how is Cassidy going?"

Trying to stop the smile on her face "he is hopefully coming home tomorrow, he has passed the CT scan for the time being he is being released tomorrow sometime"

That word home, was he coming home to their apartment even with his things gone his presence was always there, was he moving back in with her, he had wanted that for the past six months for her to move in with him, especially once they started trying for her to become pregnant. He had his pride he couldn't ask as much as he wanted to know.

Walking to the door, pausing holding the handle turning around to face him "I really am sorry Declan for the way things turned out. I never meant to hurt you or lead you on. I thought I was over Brian and had moved on, I never expected to fall in love with him again"

His eyes meeting hers "I think you have to stop kidding yourself Olivia, I don't think you ever stopped loving him and I can't say I am surprised that you have gone back to him. I wish things had worked out differently between us as I loved you"

Walking over to Declan her hand on his cheek her mouth moving over kissing him softly on the cheek "I know"

Turning at the door to face him "I don't want you to hear this from anyone else, Brian will be moving back into the apartment not straight away but shortly"

Walking away she saw the look on his face he was hurt she couldn't move in with him yet here she was moving back in with her ex boyfriend straight away, she didn't even need to think about it she knew it was what she wanted.

OOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooo

She had left work early in the afternoon the crisp late autumn breeze blowing the leaves around, nothing was going to stop her good mood as she hurried to the hospital, Brian was getting out today and they were going to start their new life together. She had hoped that he was going to move in with her again but she understood she had to regain his trust again and to prove that she wasn't going to hurt him that she wanted him in her life that she never stopped loving him.

Seeing him sitting up on the bed walking over to him "ready to go"

Nodding at her "I've been ready for the past 4 hours"

Picking up his bags "do you want to go to a hotel, your mum's or our apartment"

Moving over to her, his arms wrapping around her "this feels good" tilting her head up towards him "our apartment sounds wonderful Liv, but I want our first time back to be special and I need someone around for the next 2 weeks"

Stroking his cheek her fingers outlining his mouth "your mum's it is"

His mouth moving down to hers the kiss soft and gentle moving away before he loses himself in her "you do know your welcome there any time, she has a soft spot for you"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooo

Watching Evelyn walk off to bed moving closer to Brian his arms around her shoulder the other hand moving up and down her arm looking up at him he was deep in thought "what's the matter Brian?"

His eyes moving down to her "Liv, there is something I need to tell you"

Her eyes widening looking up at him "ok" she was starting to get worried

"when Tucker offered me the UC job, I took it without thinking I needed to get as far away from you as possible and this was it. I was in a bad place when I left Liv. I was working for this guy Arthur Gonzarleous he was a real piece of work"

Seeing her eyes not moving from his "I wasn't shot and bashed because my cover was blown, Tucker is going to find that out" his eyes down it was hard to say it and he knew he was going to have to pay the price "there was this woman there Samantha , Sam she was blonde, young she was throwing herself at me at first I refused but the memories of you kept coming back I had stuffed things up between us I wanted you and you had moved on"

Her eyes moving away slightly before focusing on him again she knew what was coming "go on"

He hated hurting her like this "I knew it shouldn't especially after Carissa and I had been given my shield back but I couldn't of cared, unlike Carissa where we were involved this meant nothing, I started sleeping with her I told her she deserved better than Arthur and deserved someone who treated her nicely and with respect, she went to Gonzarleous and told him that she was leaving him and had been sleeping with me and she didn't want to be with him anymore. I didn't want a relationship with her, shit I was using her to try to forget and hoped that with this operation in a year or so that it would take that I could forget the stuff ups I made with you"

Looking up at Olivia seeing her eyes still on him unable to read what she is thinking "I stuffed up big time here Liv, I don't want you to hear about this from anyone else. I know I will lose my shield and probably get worse than nights at the Bronx, might lose my pension and everything, it was stupid plain stupid. Once Tucker finds out why and who I can kiss my career goodbye"

Wanting to reach out and hold her hand "I don't want to lose you Liv over this, but if you want out now I understand and I'm sorry"

Looking at Brian she could see tears forming in her eyes she had never really seen him cry or anything before, there were so many thing she wanted to say how stupid he was, how could he do this, what was he thinking instead she reaches out for his hand "we'll work through this together, we both did some stupid things, some more than others I had a relationship with someone else and slept with Declan, you with someone else"

Her hand going up to his face touching the tears before moving down "I believe you and we both were hurt. We need to find a way to move past it and deal with Tucker together"

His eyes not moving from her the love in his eyes "I don't deserve you babe, I know Tucker will find out"

Reaching out touching his face "when he does we will deal with it together, I'm not going anywhere Bri, I love you"

Pulling her towards him kissing the top of her head "I love you too babe, so much"

Looking up at him she had missed him so much in the eighteen months they had been separated moving her lips up to his feeling his mouth against hers as their tongues meet feeling her hands cupping his face, he had missed so much about her.

Moving his mouth slightly away from her "Shit Liv I want you so badly"

Pulling away a short time later before it went any further, her head resting against his shoulder "I should go home"

Stroking her hair "stay here babe just lie next to me in each other's arms I just want to feel your naked body next to mine. It will take all my self control not to devour you, but doctors orders but I just want to wrap my arms around you"

OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo

Walking back into SVU the end of a long day, she was meeting Brian for dinner if she ever got out of there.

He had been waiting for Olivia to get back to the office he wanted to tell her first before telling the whole squad "Sergeant a word"

She hadn't told anyone they had broken up but she was sure they had guessed or something had happened, closing the door behind her waiting for him to speak her eyes moving around his office it looked barer

Putting the box on the desk "Liv, I'm going back undercover, I have been offered a job. At the moment I am still captain here and I have suggested you take over again as acting CO until they get a replacement"

Her eyes wide open "I'll miss you Declan it was nice having someone else in charge, I'm not sure I want that responsibility again at the moment"

Looking up at her "Don't make any rash decisions Sergeant, think about it"

Walking over to him kissing him on the cheek "Take care Dec"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooo

It had taken a few weeks but finally he had been given the all clear by the doctors, tonight was the night to celebrate she wanted it to be special, she wasn't the best cook but she tried a simple meal a roast dinner, roast lamb, baked potatoes, pumpkin, sweet potato and for dessert, would they even make it to dessert.

They had spent the past 3 weeks going on dates, having dinner with Evelyn but importantly talking about them and a future. Slowly mending what had happened between them, Brian willing to give her another chance she knew she had hurt him a lot but slowly they were rebuilding what they had, taking it slowly giving the relationship a chance, this was going to be the first time that he had come over to the apartment and stayed the night, the first of many and hopefully soon he would move back in.

The table was laid out a table cloth on it, with 2 candles, the lights would be dimmed it was going to be perfect their first night together in the apartment.

The door opening his eyes moving down the black slinky dress on her, exposing her bare back his eyes lighting up he couldn't wait to undress her leaning in to kiss her feeling her pull away "that's dessert babe, we have the main meal first"

Walking inside it had been a while since he had been here his eyes moving around, seeing the photos of them back up on the bookshelf "you've put the photos back up"

Calling out to him "I couldn't throw them away, I tried to but put them downstairs in the garage instead"

Walking into the kitchen the smell coming from the oven making him hungry pulling her hair away from the back of her neck his mouth moving down her neck nibbling her.

Turning away playfully swatting him "dessert later, stop trying to distract me it's working, there are beers in the fridge, or red wine"

Sitting opposite her finishing the last of the meal "that was delicious Liv, I didn't think you could cook that well"

Raising her eyes at him "I just liked seeing you cook, or takeout was easier but special occasions I do cook"

Taking the plates off the table seeing Brian follow her into the kitchen she hadn't been happier in such a long time, she was with the man she really loved and never stopped turning around seeing him close to her "ready for dessert?"

His eyes looking at her hungrily nodding his head "I would of started with dessert"

Her hands on his chest moving down to his belt watching as his pants fall to the ground, pulling down his boxers as her hands move to his cock sliding her hand up and down before kneeling to the ground.

Her eyes looking up at his before moving it over to her mouth, as her mouth encases it her tongue moving around it. Her hands moving up massaging his testicles before moving back down. Her mouth moving up and down she can feel him becoming harder and harder

His hand running through gripping her hair this wasn't the dessert that he expected the feel of her mouth on his cock he could feel himself coming wanting to move inside her mouth.

Moving his cock slightly away from her mouth her hands moving up and down she could feel the squirt coming out rubbing her mouth as her hands and tongue move up his body finding their way to his mouth.

Lifting Liv off the ground her feet curled around his waist, making the way to their bedroom putting her down on the bed seeing the hunger in her eyes as her arms wrap around his neck moving his mouth down to hers feeling her body arched, he wants to be inside of her.

Moving her mouth away from his slightly getting lost in the moment touching his cheek "Bri, you'll need to use protection"

Seeing him looking at her biting her lip "I've been off the pill for a while and only really gone back on it"

Looking down into her gorgeous brown eyes even the reminder of what had gone wrong between them couldn't dampen his love for her "what if I don't use a condom Liv, would it be so bad if you did become pregnant, I know you want a baby and a family and it is what I want too with you. We still have things to work out between us but what if we do start trying to become pregnant?"

Her eyes wide open "are you sure Brian we've only just gotten back together"

His lips moving closer to hers "never been surer of anything I am never letting you go again Liv, I don't want to imagine you not in my life again, I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know we have things to work out but we are here together again, I want to move back in with you, to have a life with you and to have a family with you Liv"

Moving her lips up to his, her mouth answering him as she pulls him down towards her feeling him enter inside of her this time she had no doubts she did want a family with the man she loved and had never stopped loving.

Rolling over onto his side his hand stroking her face he would never get sick of looking at her "Liv, Marry me I meant what I said earlier I want to have a life with you and spend the rest of my life with you, I want to marry you I love you and always have"

Her eyes not moving from his face a smile appearing "yes, yes I will marry you"

Feeling his lips upon hers and his tongue moves around her mouth, their tongues meeting, this time she had never been surer of what she wanted she didn't have to think if she was in love with him she knew she was, she knew she wanted to try to have a baby with him and that she had never stopped loving him.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooo

_**This could be the last chapter not sure yet, let me know if you want more as I am considering a few more chapters but thought this was a good place to finish it. **_

_**Thank you for your support it was going to be shorter and Olivia ending up with Murphy but I just couldn't do it too many Bensidy things on twitter that made me miss them and want them together.**_

_**Thank you to everyone who read it and especially those who added it as a favourite and/or reviewed it. It was great to know that people liked the story. **_

_**Thought it was a way they could bring Cassidy back, as I believe he is her true love, the first guy she was truly and madly in love with. **_


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